Survivor Confusion...over ..me

Those of you who know me here..know, I tend to put it out there the way I see it..or feel it so to speak. I have found over the years of blogging that others often can relate. I am kinda hoping that that is the case with this post. I am a bit nervous about putting this one out there. But last week I said I needed to get through this part of after cancer stuff and that I would let fly with truth of it. So here I go....

Many years ago I lived in Scottsdale, Arizona. It was sunny and hot..and sunny and a little less hot. Basically a golfers, swimmers..summer lovers paradise. Unfortunately..I am a cold weather..fall,  winter, early spring kinda gal.  There is an unspoken social pressure in places like Arizona to always be busy outside doing something. Being inside hiding and knitting is well..frowned upon a bit. I find this to be a metaphor for cancer survivors.. for myself and so many fortunate others.
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You survived cancer, you should be: happy, joyful, relaxed, doing new things, out playing, forget about stressful stuff, screw work, live your life to the fullest, get out there in the sunshine and play metaphoric golf.

Now, don't get me wrong..I completely agree with all of that. Except well..there is still the need to provide food for my family, pay bills and be a responsible adult. I don't have the luxury of being cared for. I am guessing many cancer survivors are in the same boat. That and the massive anxiety that the whole process has left me with.  Despite the miracle of being amazingly and delightfully here, we still have life to deal with.  So, in my head all that sounds well...whiney!! Like I need to serve up a whopping plate of cheese and crackers to go along with all that whine. I hate that! The badass part of myself screams..put your big girl panties on and deal already. My muse..well..

"Uhm..Sarah...yup have your attention..been there, done this right? The badass, strong woman who takes it all on and keeps everyone's head above water..as she tried to drown herself. Remember that..all the stress that brought you to you knees? Yup time to find a new way to fly! A more gentle way to fly hon."

The problem is..I am completely at a loss as to how to do this. I meditate, I knit, I read, I watch movies..not enough artwork of late..that has to change. I am working way to much and sleeping poorly. Life here on this island is stressful in ways that I have not really talked about, and is truly putting undo pressure on me. Things have to change. I am struggling to find balance. If you know me..that makes me crazy, the lack of balance.

Ok so what is my point here? Those of us who have survived this nasty beast, cancer, are well aware that we are under social pressure to be delightful happy all the time, eating perfectly, and enjoying our life to the fullest on a daily basis. Believe me that is exactly what we want to be doing. We are keenly, and beautifully gifted with the knowledge cancer survivorship gives us..we know what death looks like now. Not that fuzzy kinda knowing..it is real,  and cold, and mind awakening. We get that now. The struggle is in the balance between that new and beautiful knowledge and having to live life. So this week...that is what I am wrestling with..how to become the new me who takes good care of herself and manages to keep the family afloat at the same time.

I am working towards looking a bit more like this....and feeling more like well..a relaxed, unwound kinda me! Deep breathes..here I go!

Thank you for popping by..would love any input, thoughts or ideas!
Namaste all, Sarah :)