Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Wishcast Wednesday...


Jamie our fearless leader has asked another thought provoking question today...What do you wish to remember? An appropriate one for me today as I have been filtering though several hundred family photos this last week. Seeing my past laid out in front of me has brought forth a hurricane of emotions.

I love seeing them, people I love, people I have lost, people who were little and have grown. People from my past. Seeing myself as a younger woman was a bit thought provoking. I wrote about it in my Quilting Bee this week. It has been a joy to see my parents whom I lost years ago. We had wonderful closure. Seeing my sisters and I grow and have children has been a joy to see again. But...there is just one period of time that keeps tripping me up. Unexpectedly it is reaching down into my soul and stirring up deep emotions. My late teens and early twenties.

I want to remember what it is about this time that I have not resolved..to remember what I have blocked, that I have not dealt with. Why does every photo of my darling horse Stormy make me break down and sob. My soul is screaming at me to take a closer look. I know I must. There is so very much to deal with there. Loss in so many ways. Loss of potential, loss of people, loss of self in some ways and a loss of direction. In many ways what happened in those short few years determined the path I would take in life. Every single one of them different from the path I had planned.

I know you are saying.."Sarah, you know what is there!" Yes, I guess I do. I just have to face it. In 1981 I became a single parent. Let me state clearly, I would never trade my Julia for the world. I love her dearly. But it is a truth that the choice forever changed the path I walked. I never dealt with the losses I guess - just plowed on. I had to, I was a single Mom and I had a job to do. I lost so many people dear to me because of my choices. People that I thought would be in my life forever. When I was five months pregnant, I moved with my parents out of state and so many of those people were just gone. People I loved.

You ask..but what about the horse? Stormy was on of the "things" I had to let go of to take care of my daughter. I did what had to be done and moved on. But I don't think I ever mourned his loss. I don't think I dealt with any of the losses. He was with out a doubt that one animal in my life that was a soul mate. It killed me to let him go. But I did and sucked it up. "Suck it up and deal" became my motto for many years.

So..here I am today, 28 years later sobbing. I will pull out my journal and write, get this all out. In the process I wish to remember all the details of those few years, to let flow back over me so I can hold them again and lovingly let them go. That is my wish today..I wish to clearly remember those years. Namaste, Sarah

28 comments:

Tabitha@ichoosebliss said...

As beautiful Sarah wishes for herself, with kindness and love I wish for her also.

Jamie Ridler said...

As Sarah wishes for herself, so I wish for her also.

Here's to the courage of your tender heart.

Giulietta said...

Hi Sarah,

Thanks for your moving post. As a former horse owner who let go of my own horse, I totally relate to the pain of letting Stormy go. Such beautiful, wonderful creatures.

I wish that all your years with stormy be remembered! (You helped me remember my Steuben saddle, which looks a lot like the one on Stormy's back.)

Giulietta, Inspirational Muse

Christine Claire Reed said...

As Sarah wishes for herself, so I wish for her also.

This work takes bravery, but it is so worth it -- to heal is to move into brighter and bigger space. :)

Lawendula said...

As Sarah wishes for herself, so I wish for her also!

Enjoy your writing! BB

sema said...

As Sarah wishes for herself, so I wish for her also

stregata said...

As Sarah wishes for herself, so I wish for her also!
May I give you a big hug?

Beverley Baird said...

As Sarah wishes for herself, so I wish for her also.
Such a powerful post.
The past can have such a hold on us. Blessings on you as you confront it.
Take care.

Kavindra said...

As Sarah wishes for herself, I tenderly wish for her also.

May you remember and heal, and with healing, also be able to remember the joys of that time as well as the pain.

Hugs

Girlie-Queue said...

As Sarah wishes for herself, so too do I wish for Sarah. Dearest...with all compassion I wanted to tell you that I *love* your struggle. I love that you share it with us so openly and how much it touches me to my core. Thank you (I think I am encountering similar, and it always helps me to see others who appear to be living out what I am living...)

Sara said...

As Sarah wishes for herself, so I wish for her also.

Oh Sarah, may you find what you seek. And may you have loving and healing energy surrounding you. You are a brave woman Sarah.

Love to you always. xx

Holly said...

Sigh. How very fitting that the horse is named Stormy, huh?

Brave? Yep. Wonderful? Yep. Really sad? Yep.

As Sarah wishes for herself, so I lovingly and with intention wish for her also.

Here's to getting through it once you know it's there...

clairedulalune said...

As Sarah wishes for herself I really do wish for also. I am so glad you are written it all down in your journal, in a bitter sweet way it will heal your soul. I will wish on the moon for you tonight. You are a honest and brave woman and how this shows that you can lift your spirits after the fall. Holding your hand all the way with my wish,

Claire.

Tim King said...

I admire you, Sarah, because you persevered, despite what you gave up to do so.

You know, I had the same reaction to a lot of the memories in my memory box and old photo albums, when I looked at my own teens and early twenties. But I forced myself to do it, because I was writing about these experiences. And going through this experience, I learned a lot about myself, where I came from and where I'm going. On balance, despite how painful those old experiences were, I wouldn't trade them for anything.

In one of my idea journals, I have an idea for a story of a man who is cursed with living forever. I haven't written the story yet, but I may someday. You'd normally think that living forever would be great. But this man has lived so long, he has so many memories, he simply can't remember them all. He looks back at old photos, drawings, journals, and letters from lifetimes ago, people he knew, wives he was married to, family members he once had, and he might as well be gazing at strangers.

I'm glad I don't live that life.

As Sarah wishes for herself, so I wish for her also.

With warm wishes,
-TimK

KnittingJourneyman said...

Thank you for this beautiful and moving post, love.

As Sarah wishes for herself, I so wish for her as well.

MamaRose said...

As Sarah wishes for herself, I wish for her also.
Blessings! May you find resolution.

Kim said...

Ah Sarah, that's a hard one. I'm sorry for you :(

As Sarah wishes for herself, so I wish for her also with love and hugs

Kim x

Suzie said...

Sarah, every day I look forward to reading your latest discoveries, whether they be external, or some soul searching, and always from the heart.

And each day, I think to myself that I am going to respond, to let you know how much your entries mean to me, and how much I enjoy them, and each day, you leave me speechless, either sending my own thoughts into spirals of discovery, or with the satisfaction that there is really nothing else for me to add. You've already expressed it all so beautifully.

We already know that you have a sensitive, keen eye, often seeing beauty where others don't, and a generous, loving heart. Today, we have learned what a strong soul you have, not only in the choices that you have made in your life, but in having the insight and courage to journey into the nuances of those choices.

Once again, you have left me "almost" speechless. All I can do, is add my wish to the others:

As Sarah has wished for herself, I wish for her too.

Joanna Jenkins said...

Sarah, I hope the journey to remember ends up sweeter than you expected.
Your writing is so beautiful. Thank you for sharing.
xo

Judy said...

Hugs to you Sarah...everything in your past lead you right where you are today...for a reason.

Alicia @ boylerpf said...

Oh, I am with Judy...there is a reason for every path we take even though we don't know the big picture yet. This gave me a lump in my throat..to find an animal that was a soul mate is difficult and to let them go is a whole other story. You are so wise to remember and accept.

Skeeter said...

As Sarah wishes for herself, so I wish for her also!

Kim McBirnie said...

Chin up kid, we're proud of you. (That's a Yorkshire-ism)

Kim xx

Coralie Cederna Johnson said...

Oh, Sarah, I am overcome with compassion for you. You are so brave to even begin to tell your story, let alone investigate all those things that happened to change your pathway in life. I, too, had once been on a path that changed all for me. So many of us have. But you...you are the courageous woman who will face your fears and resolve these times for yourself. And I, I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. You are a wonderful person and deserve all the happiness and peace there is! Wishing you well, Coralie

Snap said...

As Sarah wishes for herself, so I wish for her ... peace, harmony, closure....

{{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}

Lani Gerity said...

As Sarah wishes for herself, so I wish for her also.

Daria said...

I wish you all the memories of your horse Stormy.

And I wish you all the best,
Daria

Christina said...

As Sarah wishes for herself, I wish for her also.


Some of those memories that are open wounds lurk in our minds waiting to be pulled forth. You will find them and be as okay with them as anyone can be. Perhaps they respresent the freedom you gave up. That is what I perceive when I look at a horse; a wildness and freedom that we give up when life demands it. Love of family never cancels out our yearning for something lost. Your children are lucky to have you as you are them.