Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Jamie our fearless leader has asked another thought provoking question today...What do you wish to remember? An appropriate one for me today as I have been filtering though several hundred family photos this last week. Seeing my past laid out in front of me has brought forth a hurricane of emotions.
I love seeing them, people I love, people I have lost, people who were little and have grown. People from my past. Seeing myself as a younger woman was a bit thought provoking. I wrote about it in my Quilting Bee this week. It has been a joy to see my parents whom I lost years ago. We had wonderful closure. Seeing my sisters and I grow and have children has been a joy to see again. But...there is just one period of time that keeps tripping me up. Unexpectedly it is reaching down into my soul and stirring up deep emotions. My late teens and early twenties.
I want to remember what it is about this time that I have not resolved..to remember what I have blocked, that I have not dealt with. Why does every photo of my darling horse Stormy make me break down and sob. My soul is screaming at me to take a closer look. I know I must. There is so very much to deal with there. Loss in so many ways. Loss of potential, loss of people, loss of self in some ways and a loss of direction. In many ways what happened in those short few years determined the path I would take in life. Every single one of them different from the path I had planned.
I know you are saying.."Sarah, you know what is there!" Yes, I guess I do. I just have to face it. In 1981 I became a single parent. Let me state clearly, I would never trade my Julia for the world. I love her dearly. But it is a truth that the choice forever changed the path I walked. I never dealt with the losses I guess - just plowed on. I had to, I was a single Mom and I had a job to do. I lost so many people dear to me because of my choices. People that I thought would be in my life forever. When I was five months pregnant, I moved with my parents out of state and so many of those people were just gone. People I loved.
You ask..but what about the horse? Stormy was on of the "things" I had to let go of to take care of my daughter. I did what had to be done and moved on. But I don't think I ever mourned his loss. I don't think I dealt with any of the losses. He was with out a doubt that one animal in my life that was a soul mate. It killed me to let him go. But I did and sucked it up. "Suck it up and deal" became my motto for many years.
So..here I am today, 28 years later sobbing. I will pull out my journal and write, get this all out. In the process I wish to remember all the details of those few years, to let flow back over me so I can hold them again and lovingly let them go. That is my wish today..I wish to clearly remember those years. Namaste, Sarah