Tuesday, November 8, 2016
I know.it is election day..and yes I will vote. That said..there has been enough said..so I won't.
Trauma is a tricky thing, leaves all your bits and pieces scattered. Some of which should be left lost, others we need. There is no rushing it, no forcing the issue. They return as we are ready to welcome them home again. Sometimes that happens naturally, others require help from folks around us. Sometimes the objective help of a counselor is needed to clarify what has been muddied. Sometimes just someone who makes you feel joy again is all it takes to make that process reboot. Yes a tricky thing.
I love that statement.. "Let it be known that this girl has remembered who She is". Because there was a moment this last week where I realized..I had in fact remembered. Whaaaaa.. about time right.. LOL? No it was just the right time..my time..when my heart and soul were ready. When my need to move forward over came my fear of standing still. One step..one leap...whooot here I go. I was a pro leaper in the past..no fear..Let Fly.. caution to the wind. I am a more cautious leaper now. A wiser, older leaper. A... let's check out where we land leaper. For me..I think this is a good thing.
I was asked this week about my artwork...had I gotten back to it? Well..sorta. My Muse is working part time. Going back and forth between gently pushing me and stepping back as I balk.
Morning Sarah...shall we create today? You know it will make you feel better, lighter. Will make you a happier you!
Uhm..maybe, if I can find the time.
You mean the time while you are sitting watching a new Netflix show..and not creating as you watch?
Ok maybe I will knit. That is creative right?
And so the conversation goes. I knit a little bit, take my pencils down and look at the beautiful colors and stare at my paper..and nothing. So My Muse steps back. She does not leave, just steps back. She is gentle with me.
I suspect that my creativity has something to do with joy..or the lack there of. It has been a while since I felt real joy. This week..I felt joy. I had become so used to the lack of , it was kinda a shock. So bright and beautiful, it was kinda blinding really. But in a good way. Kinda like being in the dark and walking out into the sunlight. Took a little getting used to. I fought it..but well it won in the end. So I am guessing that my Muse will hand me something I can handle soon..some inspiration that I cannot resist, that must be drawn. I look forward to that. In the mean time I will knit, which is creative, but lets me not over think it all..just let my fingers work and there it is. Simple, pure and feeds my soul.
Thank you for popping by and pulling up a chair! Hugs and Namaste
Tuesday, November 1, 2016
First off..let me say thank you to all of you who pulled up a chair and joined me last week. Those of you who gave me feedback, encouragement and hugs. HUGE hugs back and...thank you! You have no idea how very much it meant to me, to feel part of the tribe again. Thank you!
So since last week's leap..I feel...better, stronger..I feel a little bit of hope again. Hope is a funny thing, it seems like such a normal thing..well maybe that is the thing..the normal part. When things in my life were pre-trauma, hope seemed easy, simple. It just was there. I have always been that glass is half full kinda person. It came easy. Tomorrow would be better. Hope was always at my side. Cancer changed that, the choices I made after changed that. IT changed. To be honest it changed me, that loss of hope. She was always that steady presence by my side that guided me. That gentle, guiding light through the fog of stress and life's issues. Suddenly, after cancer she had run off like a wounded wolf. That wolf kept me protected from so very much. I did not realize it until she was gone. I was vulnerable and terrified. I was left groping around in the dark trying to find my way. I was lost in this terrifying new place without my wolf.
Folks have said to me often in the last three years..
"Sarah, you have changed, your not the same ole' Sarah."
This is painfully true and beautifully true. I am not the same ole' me. I have been through hell and come out the other side. I have fought hard and survived. For that win, I paid a price. I am not the same Sarah. I am stronger and more vulnerable, lighter and darker, happier and more deeply sad Sarah. I am an oxymoron of emotions. And..I deeply have missed my wolf.
Now I know what your thinking...Well of course your different..duh?!
But to those closest to survivors it is not so simple. Be gentle with them...they have spent years knowing the old us..the pre-trauma us. The new me is a bit of a shock. Add to that, the dealing with my own internal struggle to right myself, cause seriously, my boat was listing in a huge way. It is hard for them as well. So, as I have battled with my new self, others are battling to make me the old self. Or worse, the you they think you should be now. In my case that is often ..be the joyful, happy all the time, pink wearing, survivor. Be gentle with us. I am not a label...I am me, I have to find my way through this in a way that I need, not someone else's way. I need to find and follow my path. That fact is hard for folks who love you, be patient..cause we love you too. But please keep in mind, we will never be that same person again. But with any luck we will be a stronger, better one.
So, I saw my wolf last week, through the shadows in the woods. She has healed and is seeking my company. So this week, I am on my knees coaxing her out of the shadows and hoping she will return to my side. To be again my strong and steady companion on this path. She is changed too it seems. She has become a more realistic wolf, a less Pollyanna wolf. We have both grown a bit. I am so very happy to have her back. Hope makes any journey softer on the soul.
Thank you for popping by again and pulling up a chair. The fireplace is roaring and there is hot cider to be had! Please feel free to share your thoughts or feelings. As always, Namaste
Tuesday, October 25, 2016
I know..it has been nearly a whole year since my last post. :/ I will be honest...I have been hiding. I have worked hard this last 6 months to get the kids, cat and I home to Idaho, acquire a good job and some stability. With the help of folks who love us...we have finally found some calm. Balance..well no..but calm is good for now. Along with a good job came the blessing of insurance. With this I was able to get my broken self into counseling.
Some would argue... that I am not broken..but the fact is I am a bit shattered. I have spent three long years in survival mode. I have lost so very much. I have gained so very much. My heart and soul, my Muse, my warrior woman..all hidden away from world. Unfortunately, I was pretty good at hiding them, because it has taken me a long three years to begin the journey back to them..back to me.
For the first time in what seems like forever, I feel the call to write..to share of myself, my journey. I have missed you all..missed the sharing and learning. For the first time in a long time I am not afraid to share the details of my life. In the very first session of counseling I was shocked by one very real epiphany ..I was closed, scared, protecting every little part of myself, my life...my story. I was afraid to even share with her the deeper truths of me. For those of you who know me...that is so far from center it is scary.
It took a very honest post on Facebook by my dear friend Zan, to snap my head around and go...WHAT? I lost this part of me too..this part of me I love? So here I am..trying to be me..finding the new me..finding all the pieces of me that have scattered. So if you will indulge me as I work though the past three years of life battles and a broken heart..I would love it if you pulled up a chair and joined me.
Hugs and Namaste