Friday, December 31, 2010
It is that time of the year that we evaluate our year..our effectiveness in the world. For me it is a time that I evaluate my balance. Ehmmmmmm...balance..what is that..and where the heck has it gone off to?
A few years back my Muse took a long extended vacation to Hawaii..I am thinking my Balance has rented the same sweet cottage there..and has been considering taking up permanent residence. Sometimes we have to get that wake up note from parts of ourselves saying....WAKE UP! Ok...am awake and I have been listening..and meditating..don't be shocked..I did find a few minutes to do so. Monkey mind ensued and not much was enlightened..but enough that I had a moment. This is what my Balance told me.
Much of my life I was a devoted and practicing Christian. I didn't fit really well there...I asked too many questions and argued doctrine a bit too much. I wanted to understand the nature of God and why some interpreted it one way and others another. I was Biblically well read and had studied with a passion. Frankly I drove my pastors to annoyance. Still..I felt outside of the norm..I did not fit in there. There were many things that kept me from feeling at peace within the boundaries of Christianity. So after my divorce as many do..I became a bit of a seeker. I will state clearly that I did not abandon my faith in God..I just sought to expand it. We all...I believe deeply are put here to find our path and how we should worship in our own way. I for one..and some may disagree..feel that this practice should be respected..that we each should be allowed to follow our given path. Ok..am rambling and preaching...sorry..back to my point.
When you lose balance as a Christian and lose your way it is called backsliding..as though you are on a slippery slope at all times. I often felt that way. Always struggling to make the grade. Getting distracted by life.. forgetting my practice..forgetting to pray and read. After my divorce, my belief system evolved to encompass other practices like meditation, yoga, Reiki, Buddhism and the natural way of the year to follow one season after another..my practice grew and reshaped. I read and learned and added some pieces of one system and bits of others until I found a bit of balance in what felt correct to me. This offered joy and thanks to my higher power..and blessed the real me..not a small part of me..all of me. This has brought me great joy to worship in this way..great peace.
So here I am December 31st and as I spent time in meditation..it came to me in a quiet and gentle voice...that I was out of balance. I had stepped away from my practice. I had allowed the world to step in and take away my peace..I had forgotten that everything changes..constantly..that I could only control certain things..like my mind and my choices..not others and theirs. I had allowed stress and the chaos of the world to not just throw me off balance..but right off the cliff and into the deep waters. I have been treading water for most of the year. It did not occur to me to swim for shore..then sit down and breathe. Even when it crossed my mind I allowed myself to be distracted again. So rather than say that I have backslidden..I will say that I turned my back and wandered off the path..I got caught up in the bush. I have managed to find my way back to the path again. Not alone.. I had some serious help here..for that I thank so many of you. For hanging in there with me and offering me a loving and supportive hand.
This December you all reminded me who I was..what was important and above all..that I was cared for. Funny how in the middle of chaos we seem to loose that one. There are no words to say how deeply you have effected my life! No words. Your grace is astounding and I am blessed to have received it...thank you.
May each and every one of you have a blessing filled New Year. I will simply say Namaste.."I honor the place in you in which the entire Universe dwells, I honor the place in you which is of Love, of Integrity, of Wisdom and of Peace. When you are in that place in you, and I am in that place in me, we are One."Love, Sarah
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Dear Jamie asked us this morning... What is you Winter wish?? Hmmmmm....this has been on my mind all the last week or so. As I have been negotiating my way through the season..with little time to consider the coming new year..it struck me this week that I needed to consider the issue. What do I want for this winter and on into the new year.
I have been so richly blessed this last month by so many here and in my life..I cannot tell you how touched, honored, beside myself loved I feel! My requests and prayers have been answered..one at a time as needed. I have learned a hard lesson in opening my mouth and asking for help..as I am much better at helping than asking! So this got me thinking about what is important and what I really need rather than just wanting.
So here goes...my winter wishes are these...
Spiritually - I want to stretch myself..commit myself to practice and meditation..daily. Find some balance and abundance here!
Physically - I need to get healthy..I need to drop weight and make time to walk and exercise! I need to abundantly lose weight and eat better!!
Emotionally - I need to get centered and focused..I feel like the dog in "Up" ...Squirrel...sorry...am a bit scattered. I need to rework my boundaries..seriously rework them! They have gotten quite squishy!
Financially - I need to focus on this one...I need abundance here in a big way. But I need to get focused on what I need to do..get a plan for the art and knitting for this next year..not willy nilly whatever..seriously working here!
In general..I need to find a bit of balance and find time between all I have to do and time for may family. So my word this year is abundance..not just in the financial sense ..but overall..abundance daily in where my head and heart is..that I will stay present and recognize when I have wandered away from the blessings that I have been richly given. That is my wish for Winter..abundance. What are you wishing for this winter??
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Happy Winter Solstice, Blessed Yule, Merry Christmas to you! May the coming new year bring blessing to each one of you!
I know I may be odd..but I love the winter..those short days and cold winds. Maybe because I spent so many years in the desert..I adore those cold snowy days. Lots of excuses to stay in and knit and quilt and create. No garden guilt LOL! I also love photography in the winter..so many stunning patterns to discover.
Honestly..I love playing in the snow too..even though it makes my joints hurt a bit..it is just too much fun to ignore! My kiddos and my daycare kiddos took a walk downtown in the snow yesterday..off to the library for reading material and then to the bakery for a huge cookie and a hot cocoa! Cause it was snowy and cold out there! So much fun!
May each of you receive wonderful blessing of the season!
Friday, December 17, 2010
I do so love kitchen science..ok am a science geek. I have been so busy knitting and drawing..this was a welcome change of pace.
I spent yesterday morning creating in the kitchen..a bit of grapefruit sugar scrub....yummmmmmm!
Some delicious bees wax and olive oil lip balm...ooo I love this stuff..
Of course the wrapping part is fun..little tags and shiny bags..whoot. Wonderful teacher gifts..
Here was my last little science project..by far the most time consuming..bath fizzies..we shall see if they work in the end..they have to dry first. So much fun. Of course my hands are green today..but who cares...I had a blast!!
Are you making something to give this year..I would love if you would share!!
Hugs and thank goodness it is Friday, Sarah
Monday, December 13, 2010
I bet you can guess what I have been doing of late...well really since September..knitting..and more knitting. I love a good yarn...funny or fuzzy. Ok that was really corny!
I do love to work with fiber though..especially yarn. I adore a good wool..sheep, alpaca..but angora..not so much. A week or so back I received an order for some sweet black kiddo gloves..I spent two days with bunny fur up my nose LOL. I adore the way it feels and loved the little gloves..but working the yarn..not so much. I think I will stick to sheep' wool for the most part.
There are lots of places you can get yarn..I am partial to Lion Brand..but let me loose in a good yarn store..and OMG so not safe. Of course the prices are higher..but the wool is delicious and so many choices. I have been collecting skeins for a couple of years..hoping to get the time to play with it..so this fall...I did. Started making a few fun things for my Etsy shop..and frankly I have enjoyed it so much..I just kept going.
So maybe come tax return time..when I have maybe a couple dollars to spend after the bills are paid..ya know where I will be heading. Off to buy maybe a couple of those delicious skeins of pure wool balls of delight..maybe just for me.
Do you have a passion...does the fabric store, the quilting store, saddle shop, glass shop call you.. Do you have a collection of something that is waiting for you to sit and play? I would love for you to tell me about it!!
Hugs all, Sarah
Saturday, December 11, 2010
I was thinking today about my Mom. Wishing I could sit and have a good chat with her. I was 27 when she passed..and at the time thought I had asked all the questions I needed to. At the time I guess that was true..but now at 50 I yearn for her perspective. I wonder what she felt at this time of her life..was she happy..satisfied? Would she have knowledge to impart upon me? I think she would have.
At 50 my mother lived in Tennessee. A small town that she loved dearly. We had a farm and were well off. She spent her free time busy playing golf, garden club and church activities. She had dear friends and got together to play bridge often. We had a huge garden that she loved and baked and put up things to her hearts content. Money was not an issue as I recall. She was very busy..sometimes too busy for me..I was a late life baby. But I remember her being happy there and having lots of friends. Her relationship with my father was not the best..but they seemed to do ok while we lived there..at least I think.
I guess today I was wondering what rolled around in her head at 50...would she understand issues I have..would she nod and say.."Yes I understand how you are feeling!" I can't help but wonder. This time of the year I miss her the most. She has been gone 23 years now..and although I always miss her...I miss her the most this time of year. To be expected I guess. When I am out shopping or at the mall..I see women with their mothers having coffee or a meal..poking around in the shops. Leaning together and sharing things, having a chuckle. These are the times I miss her the most.
Later in her life she and I developed a holiday tradition. Each year we did a cooks tour of local homes. Those big beautiful ones all decorated for the holidays. We would oooo and ahhh and compare notes. Then the two of us would go out and have a special lunch just the two of us! I loved that!
So my point today is this....I know moms can be nosy and difficult and well, a pain now and again..as a Mom I am sure I am too. But...for all of you who's Mama's are still with you..please give her a hug for me..and a double one from you. And although this post seems to feel a bit blue..not so much..just wistful I think. Just wondering a bit. Do your Moms give you advice..any you might like to share with me? I would love to hear!!
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Today I was over visiting Joanna @ The Fifty Factor.... this morning...she asked a question..
What one perfect moment in your life would you relive if you had the opportunity? So I have been thinking on this all day...so many choices I am happy to say..the births of my children.. joyful holidays..love, laughter..this was harder than it sounded.
As a parent those moments are unending..as a teacher so many wonderful times. So I narrowed it down to very personal moments..performances...times that I felt huge joy..still..not much that topped my kiddos arrivals. Standing ovations..yeah..amazing..loved those..but still .. not the joy of hearing that sweet little voice the first time. First kisses..and second ones..wow..but not the same as those first sweet kisses on a new child's fuzzy little head. So ok...I give...it is the kiddos..their arrivals... can't seem to top that..and that is ok with me..it really is.
It is funny how when you think about this kind of thing..it is so easy to just think about how many moments you would not want to relive..ever..they jump to the forefront of everything. Those painful life altering experiences..when the world stops on a dime and you go ...OMG( or something more colorful). It was hard for me to look beyond them and find those sweet delicious moments of beauty. But I am happy to say that the beautiful ones won out. Enlightening.
This week has been enlightening..to say the least. I really struggled to post my recent post about the reality of where I was. I felt weak and ashamed that somehow I was human..not super human..not organized happy Sarah..that I had found myself struggling and needed help..a hug a hand up. What I received was a group rescue..a loving, intense lesson in ..."Ya just gotta ask already". I admit it I can be a stubborn girl..thank you all for offering me something wonderful, something magical..something that restored my soul and my strength...when I asked you gave openheartedly to me. I am so deeply touched..still in tears..still breathing and feeling disbelief in the amazing women that fill this space. So thank you one more time.. you helped me find my warrior woman..my strength..my heart!
Hugs and love, Sarah
Monday, December 6, 2010
I am trying very hard to type through my tears here...I am so deeply touched I can hardly explain. When I posted my last post..I was trying to get honest here..be myself again. I was hoping for a few hugs and some support..what I received was beyond my imaginings..my hopes..my prayers. I cannot tell you how deeply I am touched..by what you all have done for me.
I sat in bed this morning as I was waking and tried to form something to put here today...something that would do justice to the love and care I have received. To those of you who sent love, prayers and energy..I have felt them..I feel stronger, you don't know how much this has meant to me. Or just maybe you really do..that is the beauty of it! To each of you Santa's elves..it was so unexpected, I was shocked, so deeply thankful and so deeply touched..wow. None of these words seem enough..so small and not big enough to show you the joy and love I feel..but it is there..it is!
Thank you for helping me find my path..for handing me back my armor..I am putting it back on. I have always been such a positive person..of late I lost that part of me..thank you for showing me a reason to be her again...ok am sobbing again...geesh. In short I am blown away by your caring and your words, your love and actions. Blown away and forever changed by them! By you amazing folks.
So thank you does not seem enough...but the thanks are huge! So I will finish this post with the one word that seems to encompass what I feel...at least a little bit.
Namaste...I bow to each of you and say...thank you so much and..
Huge hugs and love to each of you, Sarah
Saturday, December 4, 2010
I have been blogging for about, well about two years now..and I have always been straight up..the real deal..what you see here is who I am. For the last several months I have been hiding. Buried away in a hole just trying to cope with everything that is going on in my life. I didn't want to sound whiny and vent all over the place. Cause it is easier for me to be the one giving support rather than seeking it. It is hard for me to ask for help..even if it is just a hug or a prayer. So I have been hiding what is truth.
I loved teaching here...loooove it. But as I was teaching the last Let Fly class, it occurred to me way to often that I needed to stop and work myself thought some issues at hand myself. Isn't that the way it always is..teacher teach thyself?? I don't think I could teach that class from the point of view that I have it all together..or am without issues. Cause..well I am flawed..I wade into that river of denial now and again..and need a butt kicking to get myself out. But what I have not been doing here is being me..being honest..being the blogger I expect myself to be. So...after reading this last weeks wishcasters be honest and out there..I hung my head and took a deep breath and here I am..being me and Letting Fly with the truth of where I am.
The truth is I am wickedly exhausted..worn out... overwhelmed and just plain sick and tired. The economy has hit our household in a huge way, financially I am just keeping our heads above water. How I will pay for Christmas for my kids is totally beyond me at this point and that just slays me ..it does. I know the big kids will get it...they will love handmade things from me..but the little ones..it is different..I would like to at least get a couple things on their list..not at all sure how I will do that at the moment. I have three weeks to figure it out. I have been physically sick..no surprise there. I miss my Mom, I miss my sisters..I am feeling alone.
The financial stress of the last six months has put a strain on my relationship with my other half..we fight more often than I would like and I hate that..hate it. Often over silly things..and sometimes what is left over after we are done makes it all even worse. We are trying to keep plugging away through it all..we really are trying to get through together.
But some relief needs to come soon. Cause I am totally without the reserves to keep being the strong one all the time...day in and day out..24/7. I need to find a way to make things better. There is much here I have not shared..but the core of it is written here. I have lost my voice..physically lost it..for almost two weeks now..that pretty much says it all huh..Sarah with no voice. Do ya suppose I am all caught up in the chest and throat? Something like that I am thinkin'!
So here I am venting..and laying it all out there. I feel wickedly whiny..and honestly I feel weak and self focused. I can't seem to find that warrior woman..or my muse or myself for that matter. I feel a bit lost. I have wandered off into the bush..way off my path somehow. So this next week would you do me a favor..could you say a little prayer..send a little positive energy my way? So maybe I can find a way back to the strong, present, happy me..that positive woman that I like so much better than this cranky, whiny girl. So I might find a way back to my path. Thank you all so much! Do you know how much you all mean to me here..you do..I am sorry I have not been here to say so..you all bless me you do!
Hugs and love, Sarah
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Our dear Jamie asked us this morning..Where do we wish to go slow? I have been missing in action of late..well most of the Fall really..and I have missed Wednesday wishcasting and all my wishcasting buddies so very much. So....I am wishing today.
I love the winter..I really do ..I am not nuts! I love the snow and the cold. Snowman building... ok... so we build dragons and such. At the moment there is a snow shark chasing a terrified snowman around the yard..Fox's creation..giggle. Poor guy is swimming as fast as he can.
One of the things I really love about the snowy season..I can sit inside and craft, draw, knit, quilt, read a book..without garden guilt. My wonderful yard is dormant for the season..no weeding or planting to be done..no leaves left to rake..just beautiful, delightful snow. And let me tell ya this year it came early and there is lots of it! Whooot!
The last couple of months, really the whole of Fall has been wickedly stressful for me. We have been low on numbers in the my daycare..really low, art sales in Sept. and Oct. were dismal at best. But...my knitting has been selling..go figure. Jim has been selling mineral specimens online like crazy..so at least this last month we have been doing ok..playing catch up. But at least we are not drowning yet..which is a huge blessing. I have managed to keep the bills paid ..late but paid!! Whoot!
So you are asking..what is the wish already..k here it is. That I remember that there is only so much I can do...I can only do so many rows of knitting in one day..I can only watch so many children..those who come to me..draw so many pictures...stress out only so much. My wish today is that I can remember to breathe..take one day at a time. The bills will get paid..late is better than not..I feel blessed in this economy that we are not way behind. I wish today to slow down my fears to a crawl, stay present and enjoy the season. That is my wish today.
I have missed you all so much..am so happy to be back!!
Hugs and Namaste, Sarah