Tuesday, November 8, 2016
I know.it is election day..and yes I will vote. That said..there has been enough said..so I won't.
Trauma is a tricky thing, leaves all your bits and pieces scattered. Some of which should be left lost, others we need. There is no rushing it, no forcing the issue. They return as we are ready to welcome them home again. Sometimes that happens naturally, others require help from folks around us. Sometimes the objective help of a counselor is needed to clarify what has been muddied. Sometimes just someone who makes you feel joy again is all it takes to make that process reboot. Yes a tricky thing.
I love that statement.. "Let it be known that this girl has remembered who She is". Because there was a moment this last week where I realized..I had in fact remembered. Whaaaaa.. about time right.. LOL? No it was just the right time..my time..when my heart and soul were ready. When my need to move forward over came my fear of standing still. One step..one leap...whooot here I go. I was a pro leaper in the past..no fear..Let Fly.. caution to the wind. I am a more cautious leaper now. A wiser, older leaper. A... let's check out where we land leaper. For me..I think this is a good thing.
I was asked this week about my artwork...had I gotten back to it? Well..sorta. My Muse is working part time. Going back and forth between gently pushing me and stepping back as I balk.
Morning Sarah...shall we create today? You know it will make you feel better, lighter. Will make you a happier you!
Uhm..maybe, if I can find the time.
You mean the time while you are sitting watching a new Netflix show..and not creating as you watch?
Ok maybe I will knit. That is creative right?
And so the conversation goes. I knit a little bit, take my pencils down and look at the beautiful colors and stare at my paper..and nothing. So My Muse steps back. She does not leave, just steps back. She is gentle with me.
I suspect that my creativity has something to do with joy..or the lack there of. It has been a while since I felt real joy. This week..I felt joy. I had become so used to the lack of , it was kinda a shock. So bright and beautiful, it was kinda blinding really. But in a good way. Kinda like being in the dark and walking out into the sunlight. Took a little getting used to. I fought it..but well it won in the end. So I am guessing that my Muse will hand me something I can handle soon..some inspiration that I cannot resist, that must be drawn. I look forward to that. In the mean time I will knit, which is creative, but lets me not over think it all..just let my fingers work and there it is. Simple, pure and feeds my soul.
Thank you for popping by and pulling up a chair! Hugs and Namaste
Tuesday, November 1, 2016
First off..let me say thank you to all of you who pulled up a chair and joined me last week. Those of you who gave me feedback, encouragement and hugs. HUGE hugs back and...thank you! You have no idea how very much it meant to me, to feel part of the tribe again. Thank you!
So since last week's leap..I feel...better, stronger..I feel a little bit of hope again. Hope is a funny thing, it seems like such a normal thing..well maybe that is the thing..the normal part. When things in my life were pre-trauma, hope seemed easy, simple. It just was there. I have always been that glass is half full kinda person. It came easy. Tomorrow would be better. Hope was always at my side. Cancer changed that, the choices I made after changed that. IT changed. To be honest it changed me, that loss of hope. She was always that steady presence by my side that guided me. That gentle, guiding light through the fog of stress and life's issues. Suddenly, after cancer she had run off like a wounded wolf. That wolf kept me protected from so very much. I did not realize it until she was gone. I was vulnerable and terrified. I was left groping around in the dark trying to find my way. I was lost in this terrifying new place without my wolf.
Folks have said to me often in the last three years..
"Sarah, you have changed, your not the same ole' Sarah."
This is painfully true and beautifully true. I am not the same ole' me. I have been through hell and come out the other side. I have fought hard and survived. For that win, I paid a price. I am not the same Sarah. I am stronger and more vulnerable, lighter and darker, happier and more deeply sad Sarah. I am an oxymoron of emotions. And..I deeply have missed my wolf.
Now I know what your thinking...Well of course your different..duh?!
But to those closest to survivors it is not so simple. Be gentle with them...they have spent years knowing the old us..the pre-trauma us. The new me is a bit of a shock. Add to that, the dealing with my own internal struggle to right myself, cause seriously, my boat was listing in a huge way. It is hard for them as well. So, as I have battled with my new self, others are battling to make me the old self. Or worse, the you they think you should be now. In my case that is often ..be the joyful, happy all the time, pink wearing, survivor. Be gentle with us. I am not a label...I am me, I have to find my way through this in a way that I need, not someone else's way. I need to find and follow my path. That fact is hard for folks who love you, be patient..cause we love you too. But please keep in mind, we will never be that same person again. But with any luck we will be a stronger, better one.
So, I saw my wolf last week, through the shadows in the woods. She has healed and is seeking my company. So this week, I am on my knees coaxing her out of the shadows and hoping she will return to my side. To be again my strong and steady companion on this path. She is changed too it seems. She has become a more realistic wolf, a less Pollyanna wolf. We have both grown a bit. I am so very happy to have her back. Hope makes any journey softer on the soul.
Thank you for popping by again and pulling up a chair. The fireplace is roaring and there is hot cider to be had! Please feel free to share your thoughts or feelings. As always, Namaste
Tuesday, October 25, 2016
I know..it has been nearly a whole year since my last post. :/ I will be honest...I have been hiding. I have worked hard this last 6 months to get the kids, cat and I home to Idaho, acquire a good job and some stability. With the help of folks who love us...we have finally found some calm. Balance..well no..but calm is good for now. Along with a good job came the blessing of insurance. With this I was able to get my broken self into counseling.
Some would argue... that I am not broken..but the fact is I am a bit shattered. I have spent three long years in survival mode. I have lost so very much. I have gained so very much. My heart and soul, my Muse, my warrior woman..all hidden away from world. Unfortunately, I was pretty good at hiding them, because it has taken me a long three years to begin the journey back to them..back to me.
For the first time in what seems like forever, I feel the call to write..to share of myself, my journey. I have missed you all..missed the sharing and learning. For the first time in a long time I am not afraid to share the details of my life. In the very first session of counseling I was shocked by one very real epiphany ..I was closed, scared, protecting every little part of myself, my life...my story. I was afraid to even share with her the deeper truths of me. For those of you who know me...that is so far from center it is scary.
It took a very honest post on Facebook by my dear friend Zan, to snap my head around and go...WHAT? I lost this part of me too..this part of me I love? So here I am..trying to be me..finding the new me..finding all the pieces of me that have scattered. So if you will indulge me as I work though the past three years of life battles and a broken heart..I would love it if you pulled up a chair and joined me.
Hugs and Namaste
Monday, November 23, 2015
Hi all..it is Monday:) Kinda loving being back to blogging and seeing everyone again. Popping over to other blogs and seeing what is up with you all! :) So today I am gonna tackle a big one for me..fear. There is not much about cancer that does not scream fear. From the first mention of the big C it is well...terror.
When I was in my early twenties my Mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. Like many of her generation (born in 1923) avoiding the whole thing was common. Sadly it also lead to much later diagnoses and poor results. Mom had a large tumor that had spread to, and beyond her lymph nodes. I walked through chemo and radiation with her.. hair loss and complications from treatments. A few years of calm before she it came back with a vengeance. She struggled with it for several years before succumbing to liver cancer in the end. We lost her in 1987. I was 27 years old and very pregnant with my daughter Kate. I found out about cancer very early in life. I felt that fear early on as I watched my Mom struggle to cope and survive. But..it was a secondary terror.. a secondary fear. Her's was primary. Something I think is very hard to truly comprehend unless you have been there and fought that beast.
After I insisted on my lump being excises..right away..and then insisted on a biopsy also..there it was..cancer. I received the phone call from my GP...she needed to see me. No she didn't..I didn't have to even go in to know. It was like some horrid TV show really. I walked in the front door and the receptionist looked up and with tears in her eyes said...I am so sorry Sarah! OMG!!! This is where the real fear starts. Then it is a whirlwind of crazy appointments, impossible decisions ..like would you like to keep all of your boob..part..both gone..here are the insane statistics. Truth be told, it was good that I recorded those first few meetings..cause I didn't remember much. The color of my socks..the carpet ( yup I took this picture)..his voice..that screamed to my empathic ear.."she is not gonna survive this". Then comes the..your tumor is large..aggressive and very uncommon. Well..hello..its me..nothing is ever common LOL~Deep fear.
So the hard part here is this...yes, you fear for your life..that you will lose it..or spend years dealing with this beast. But the big fear..at least for me was leaving my kids behind. Nonni was ten at the time and Fox 15. My wonderful older daughters were just beginning their adult lives and needed me too. I was absolutely not ready to exit stage left. I was determined to battle this beast and win. But the fear and terror you feel as a parent is well..overwhelming. Trying to wrap my head around it was crushing. So I fought..and I won this one. Let's hope I have scared it away for good. That leads to the other part of this..the after part. As one lucky enough to have an after part...
Cancer is not like other diseases ..your more likely to know the cause. Like diabetes..there is generally something to be done about it..you often know why you have it. But many cancers like breast cancer are sneaky beasts. You have no clue really what exactly it was that set off your system to allow it. So you think about it..a lot. Was it the medication I was using..food I ate..water I swam in..stress that I was dealing with..soda..meat..it goes on and on. So the fear now is..what the hell gave me this and how do I avoid it again! So you are constantly feeling the need to analyze everything. It is exhausting, terrifying..and anxiety creating madness. At some point you have to just scream STOP! That is what I struggle with daily.. making my way back to a life that is not fear driven. I mentioned post traumatic growth in one of the last couple posts..that is what I am working on. Moving beyond the post traumatic stress that cancer creates and into post traumatic growth.
I have always been a.."there is a silver lining in everything" kinda gal. So this week I am stepping away from the stress, being present, and stepping onto the path of growth. Am I still scared..yuppers. Do I still breakdown and cry when Disney kills off another mama..oh geesh yes. But I know without a shadow of a doubt..there is something in all this terror and fear that I will be asked to use to help someone else. So I am looking for things that light my path, meditating, and pointing my great big sword at fear, and saying...ENOUGH! It's time to move forward and leave some of this fear behind!
Hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving! I am very happy to be here again this year~ Thank you for popping by!
Monday, November 16, 2015
Ok so today I am talking more about my daughter and less about me. 'Cause well..you will understand.
Last August Nonni (11) came to me with a contest she had found online. She had long wanted a mermaid tail, you know the kind you can actually swim in! www.Finfunmermaid.com was having a Mermaid Mania contest and tails were the prizes! She was all in! She brought me the rules and what she had to do. To be honest I was working like a mad woman and this contest was pretty complicated and time consuming. But she was so excited how could I resist. So we entered the week long contest and I became not just an assistant but, video taker, sand tail maker, photographer and general advice giver. That said..Nonni was adamant that she create and do each days task her own way. She did not want changes to her essay or ideas. She is a bit like her Mama..driven and stubborn LOL. She was required to do five things..one a day. Write and essay, draw a picture of herself as a mermaid, do a video, a service to the environment project, a photo shoot and a poster about her favorite part of it all. Turns out..we had a wonderful time making great memories!
We had a particularly fun time with her photo shoot and video. As we were not one of the lucky families to already own a tail..we had to create one for Nonni. Thankfully we live were beach and sand is plentiful! Sandtail it was! It was so very fun, lots of giggles later we had a huge sand tail, photos and a fun video.
Each day one lucky girl won a tail for that days project..each day it was not Nonni. On day two Nonni came in to say she had just seen a stunning double rainbow and it was a sign..she was going to win! Come the end of the week she had not won a daily prize..still confident we waited for the results of the of the grand prize. This prize included..a tail and matching swimsuit for Nonni, and one for five of her friends. A bag of fun treats for her too! A ride in a limo for her and her friends to a delightful pool party! All this filmed by the wonderful Fin fun crew. Did I mention..Fin Fun is in Idaho LOL?
So..when Nonni came out to tell us she had won the whole kit and caboodle..we thought she was joking around. She was not!! She was over the moon..excited...beside herself. And...SO WERE WE!!
They called..yuppers amazingly wonderful folks and we decided that the week before her birthday would be perfect! So last Saturday we had our amazing party! We had such fun..even the Mama's got to swim with them..soooooo fun!! She had a blast, the crew were delightful and well..Nonni has never felt so special. We had a wonderful time treating five lovely daughter's of my coworkers to tails. Lets just say...wow..amazing..wonderful..joyful fun! Thank you Trina, Kelsee, Tanner, Steve, Caitlyn and the rest of the amazing crew! You made us feel so wonderful! You made Nonni a memory we will never forget!
Now..before I close here is the hard part I need to write about today..cause well the rest was just a joyful piece of cake! I want to tell you why this amazing young woman so deserved this treat! Why it meant the world to me that she receive it. Here goes...
While I was receiving chemotherapy for five months, there were several days a week that I was too sick to move. We were homeschooling, k12ing fortunately so she was home with me daily. Thankfully no puking, but too sick to do much other than stumble to the bathroom and back. Nothing much was able to keep my attention. I was just trying to get through it. Now understand..I received help from many folks and have very strong feelings about how this all went down..I will address this in the next post. My kids and family were amazing and several very dear friends, but this is about Nonni. Every day she made sure I was comfortable and warm, she made sure that I had bits to eat every hour on those horrid days, as food in my stomach helped keep the nausea down. She loved on and cared for me, made sure I was safe and to be honest there is no way I could have gotten through it all without her loving care. Yup my young, sweet hearted daughter did all that, every day. She held me when I cried..when I was scared and loved me back to happy .She was my rock and held the strength that I would be just fine in the end. For one so young, who didn't deserve to deal with all of that, but did so with such amazing grace....do I think she deserved this amazing prize??..yes I do. Do I know that someone else did also?..yes I do. Because the computer randomly chose her not once out of thousands of entrants ..but twice. Yup..twice! So this blog post is dedicated to my amazingly wonderful daughter Nonni! Whom I adore! Thank you sweetie for being my rock! Every single wonderful moment of that party was well deserved! I love you!
Ok..am a sobby wreck now. In part two of this post I will talk about it more. Hugs all and thank you again for joining me! So glad to be back!
Monday, November 9, 2015
Those of you who know me here..know, I tend to put it out there the way I see it..or feel it so to speak. I have found over the years of blogging that others often can relate. I am kinda hoping that that is the case with this post. I am a bit nervous about putting this one out there. But last week I said I needed to get through this part of after cancer stuff and that I would let fly with truth of it. So here I go....
Many years ago I lived in Scottsdale, Arizona. It was sunny and hot..and sunny and a little less hot. Basically a golfers, swimmers..summer lovers paradise. Unfortunately..I am a cold weather..fall, winter, early spring kinda gal. There is an unspoken social pressure in places like Arizona to always be busy outside doing something. Being inside hiding and knitting is well..frowned upon a bit. I find this to be a metaphor for cancer survivors.. for myself and so many fortunate others.
You survived cancer, you should be: happy, joyful, relaxed, doing new things, out playing, forget about stressful stuff, screw work, live your life to the fullest, get out there in the sunshine and play metaphoric golf.
Now, don't get me wrong..I completely agree with all of that. Except well..there is still the need to provide food for my family, pay bills and be a responsible adult. I don't have the luxury of being cared for. I am guessing many cancer survivors are in the same boat. That and the massive anxiety that the whole process has left me with. Despite the miracle of being amazingly and delightfully here, we still have life to deal with. So, in my head all that sounds well...whiney!! Like I need to serve up a whopping plate of cheese and crackers to go along with all that whine. I hate that! The badass part of myself screams..put your big girl panties on and deal already. My muse..well..
"Uhm..Sarah...yup have your attention..been there, done this right? The badass, strong woman who takes it all on and keeps everyone's head above water..as she tried to drown herself. Remember that..all the stress that brought you to you knees? Yup time to find a new way to fly! A more gentle way to fly hon."
The problem is..I am completely at a loss as to how to do this. I meditate, I knit, I read, I watch movies..not enough artwork of late..that has to change. I am working way to much and sleeping poorly. Life here on this island is stressful in ways that I have not really talked about, and is truly putting undo pressure on me. Things have to change. I am struggling to find balance. If you know me..that makes me crazy, the lack of balance.
Ok so what is my point here? Those of us who have survived this nasty beast, cancer, are well aware that we are under social pressure to be delightful happy all the time, eating perfectly, and enjoying our life to the fullest on a daily basis. Believe me that is exactly what we want to be doing. We are keenly, and beautifully gifted with the knowledge cancer survivorship gives us..we know what death looks like now. Not that fuzzy kinda knowing..it is real, and cold, and mind awakening. We get that now. The struggle is in the balance between that new and beautiful knowledge and having to live life. So this week...that is what I am wrestling with..how to become the new me who takes good care of herself and manages to keep the family afloat at the same time.
I am working towards looking a bit more like this....and feeling more like well..a relaxed, unwound kinda me! Deep breathes..here I go!
Thank you for popping by..would love any input, thoughts or ideas!
Namaste all, Sarah :)