Monday, March 16, 2009

Sarah Self Aware?

I like to think of myself as relatively self aware… uhmmmm maybe not so much! Over the coarse of the last couple of weeks I discovered that I had been knee deep … OK Renee ( she is serving as my Jiminy Cricket today) waist deep in the river of denial. Without Hanna in the household for the last two weeks, I found myself in a bit of shock finding myself wading out of the muck. Mainly because I didn’t even realize my feet were wet much less the rest of me!!!! Not to say Hanna was the muck – just that I had chosen to wade there myself rather than face truth about how stressed out I really was. This kept me awake contemplating – how did I miss all the signs – then I wondered…. what were the signs???? So – I am confessing today – here are Sarah’s signs for – “you are not taking care of your self, crazy, stressed out girl”…(forgive me - some of these are kinda – “DUH – Hello!!!”)
I hide – from everyone and everything – I don’t want to go out with people – just hang at home.
I escape into books and movies – A LOT.

I can’t seem to be creative or find the time for my art – which sustains me- really it does.

I’m cranky! Duh!!!

I don’t eat well, take my vitamins and I crave sweets (again Duh!).

I don’t get out and walk or do my yoga– which is necessary thing for me!!!

I don’t meditate – can’t concentrate – huge sign – to much mind busyness.

My house gets cluttered and messy – I generally like some order (I know…I am anal).

My house plants which I adore start to wilt and die – I love my plants!!

I get oversensitive and tend to get my feeling hurt over silly things!! Like – What do you mean you won’t go walk to the store and get me a donut????? Then brood for 24 hours about how I do so much for him… grumble grumble. Uhhhmmm… yeah – embarrassing!!

My gut wages war and my head feels free to get migraines.

One of the biggest – duh signs – I have a need to watch P.S. I Love You and Steel Magnolia’s – just to cry it out. (told you some were… whack you in the head Duh!!!!)

So despite the appearance that I am beating myself up, really I am saying is… Oh – now I get it! I will plaster this list up somewhere where I can review it now and again. Maybe next time I go to that river I will stop and be more self aware of what my body, mind and spirit are telling me! Sarah, be self aware and love yourself!!! Thanks for listening to the babble today! Sarah


Kathleen Coy said...

Wow, a lot of the things on that list sound familiar...

boylerpf said...

Isn't it funny the DUH's that strike us when we can sit back and look at the situation objectively? Lucky you for doing so. Now get out there and do something!! JK! Good for you.

Renee said...

Darling Sarah:

I am so proud of you for doing this. I have to tell you that I saw no babble, I just saw the beginning of truth. Truth to oneself is a beautiful thing and I think you will love it very much.

I hide -- I know this well, when I was firt diagnosed. It was not because of me, it was because of them -- I hated everyone.

I have always escaped into books.

A clear head is important -- a need to silence monkey mind.

I use to pout to, what a waste of time.

I never need movies to cry, I sometimes just get stuck in my situation and that is enough to get me going.

I personally think it is very good to go to the river.

I will meet you there tomorrow.

Love Renee xoxoxo

Light and Shadow Studio said...

You know what I see Sarah. Acceptance! I see myself in what you feel too. I know for the longest time I tried to force my situation to be what I wanted it to be and when that didn't work I just refused to acknowledge it. Finally I just accepted it and have found peace and the ability to go on with the rest of my life. I realize no mater how hard I try there are just somethings that I can not change. Glad you are finding yourself again.

dragonesque said...

So many things in common. I also tend to stay up really late and I don't get the opportunity to sleep in. I find that I really need to get the basics in order, like diet, sleep and exercise, in order to deal with the rest of it.
Very happy for you to be on your way to feeling better.
*hugs* to you,

Daria said...

Isn't it wonderful to have blogging buds who help you work through this ...

Halloween Spirit said...

I know what you mean Sarah. You lose YOURSELF. Don't lose yourself, it hurts too much to find yourself again. Make yourself a priority. No one else will probably make you one, so you may as well do it.

Gail H. Ragsdale said...

Sounds like we are living the same life!

Sonia ;) said...

BRAVO, BRAVO!!!! Girl I am so with you on all of it. In the past 3 yrs I have gotten so away from me. Parents moved in(Ok picture parents on Everyone loves Raymond, and Ethel and Fred Mertz). Dad has lung cancer and dies (He smoked like a fiend), and now Im left with my mother ( the one person I never wanted to be compared with, drives me crazy).Not trying to be ungrateful or my parents. But my shoulders as the only girl and oldest are so impressed you said it....Oh by the way I took pics of the elephants and even tried to to get one of it glowing...send manana. Dont be too hard on yourself... when handed doopy make compost...LOL...Finding yourself is the fun thing...I had everyone of those things on your list.


Sonia ;)

Sonia ;) said...

PS.................PS I Love You, Steel Magnolias, Both Bridget Jones, and French Kiss....have been played so much...can dvd's warp? lol


Sonia ;)

Audrey said...

Oh Dear Sweet Sarah..look at that Hon...YOU ARE HUMAN! No one wants crappy things to happen in their life but sadly,sometimes they do. And we all cope in whatever way makes the most sense at the time (I am a sugar/donut/cry at movies girl myself). It is OK to wallow sometimes. The important thing is exactly what you have done: recognize it, acknowledge it and learn from it. Some of the behaviors we lose as we grow, and some remain that comfortable old blanket we had as a child. Both are okay.
You are loved, dear Sarah!

Elizabeth said...

I feel like I could just copy and paste this onto my own blog. Here's to recovery of the senses and sanity.