Saturday, December 11, 2010

Wondering....


I was thinking today about my Mom. Wishing I could sit and have a good chat with her. I was 27 when she passed..and at the time thought I had asked all the questions I needed to. At the time I guess that was true..but now at 50 I yearn for her perspective. I wonder what she felt at this time of her life..was she happy..satisfied? Would she have knowledge to impart upon me? I think she would have.

At 50 my mother lived in Tennessee. A small town that she loved dearly. We had a farm and were well off. She spent her free time busy playing golf, garden club and church activities. She had dear friends and got together to play bridge often. We had a huge garden that she loved and baked and put up things to her hearts content. Money was not an issue as I recall. She was very busy..sometimes too busy for me..I was a late life baby. But I remember her being happy there and having lots of friends. Her relationship with my father was not the best..but they seemed to do ok while we lived there..at least I think.

I guess today I was wondering what rolled around in her head at 50...would she understand issues I have..would she nod and say.."Yes I understand how you are feeling!" I can't help but wonder. This time of the year I miss her the most. She has been gone 23 years now..and although I always miss her...I miss her the most this time of year. To be expected I guess. When I am out shopping or at the mall..I see women with their mothers having coffee or a meal..poking around in the shops. Leaning together and sharing things, having a chuckle. These are the times I miss her the most.

Later in her life she and I developed a holiday tradition. Each year we did a cooks tour of local homes. Those big beautiful ones all decorated for the holidays. We would oooo and ahhh and compare notes. Then the two of us would go out and have a special lunch just the two of us! I loved that!

So my point today is this....I know moms can be nosy and difficult and well, a pain now and again..as a Mom I am sure I am too. But...for all of you who's Mama's are still with you..please give her a hug for me..and a double one from you. And although this post seems to feel a bit blue..not so much..just wistful I think. Just wondering a bit. Do your Moms give you advice..any you might like to share with me? I would love to hear!!
Namaste, Sarah

13 comments:

umbrellalady said...

I am sending you a great, big, warm hug and the knowledge my heart is with you. Christmas can be so wonderful and so painful at the same time...

Debra She Who Seeks said...

We're always their little girls, aren't we? No matter how old we are. Hugs tonight to you, Sarah.

Natalie said...

My mother is alive and she has NEVER shared a coffee, lunch or intimacy with me. My five children just don't really know her....neither do I.
I guess we all have a story, I am sorry you miss your beautiful Mama, I miss the one I imagine in my head.xx

Cinner said...

Sarah, you miss your Mom like I miss my Dad, I was thinking about his hands today. I am going to my Moms for Christmas, when I told her she burst into tears. When I worked in retail I never made it home much which is sad. The last eight years we would have Christmas in Calgary, my parents would be there. I missed Dads last Christmas....so my Mom is cooking up a storm and calls everyday. I think I give her more advice than she does me...she has lots of friends and goes out much more than she ever did with my Dad. It is so nice to see her having fun. She still misses Dad but for the first time in her life I really see her blossoming. I don't know if that makes sense or not. I live so far away from my Mom that I do understand about seeing Moms and daughters out together. I know your Mom would be very proud of you Sarah, look at all you accomplish, what a loving Mother you are, and such a hard worker. I would think at 5o she would have some of the same thoughts and I am sure you would be surprised how much the same you are. Just know she has been watching, or at least that is how i Feel. thanks for your comment today. I will hug my Mom for you I promise. love you.

TechnoBabe said...

Well, Sarah, your words give me pause. I did not have a relationship with my mother like you did, so while you are feeling as you do right now, I am feeling a bit envious of the type of mom you had for whatever time you were with her. This is a nice post with true feelings laid out there and I feel how you miss being with your mom. Hugs to you.

faerwillow said...

~only after i had my first did i realize how wonderful my mother really was...why it took so long...news to me...we are close now but i have always been a daddys little girl...

your mother remains by your side...carrying you and lifting you when you stumble...her hands is still there to give that gentle nudge and her words though silent i am sure you can hear her silently guiding you...i think as time goes by we always wish we may have done something a bit different...wether it be more time or conversing about the important things...though my mother is here it is my grandmothers presence i miss greatly and long for...often i think if only i could call...sarah hugs from me to you and back again...is this your mother above...if so...strong beautiful and full of grace...much l♥ve and light upon you always~

sassypackrat said...

This is a timely reminder for me. My mother is driving me crazy right now! And because of that it's hard to remember to be grateful for the things she does for me. I really don't know what I'd do without her in this stage of my life. So thank you for this lovely post. It's shaken me out of my funk and reminded me of what's really important.

Robin's Egg Bleu said...

Wonderful post! We lost our mom early in life too, she was 55 and passed away at Thanksgiving.

Our perspective in our 20's and 30's is so different from what it is in our middle years. I will be 50 this year. So many questions now pop up in my mind and it's too late to ask. I ask anyway and figure she's whispering in my ear, and eventually the answer may pop up in my dreams. Or maybe she wants me to figure it out for myself.

I have a daughter who's 23 who loves and resents me at the same time, because I 'don't know anything about today's youth.' Maybe so, but I know a few things and hope that when she's 50, she'll be in the mood to ask my perspective.
And I hope I'll be around to ask.

Joanna Jenkins said...

Oh Sarah, You pulled at my heart strings here.

My blessed to still have my mom-- who likes to give me what she calls "Twenty-nice cent lectures" which are mostly random bits and pieces of advice. And yes, I cherish them.

The holidays make me miss me Dad who passed 17 years ago. He loved the holidays and having the whole family gather. I wonder what he's think of his grown children, grand children and great-grandchild. I think he would have been filled with pride.

Sending you love and an extra hug. xo jj

A Scattering said...

Sarah, I can really identify with your post - I was just 17 when my Mom died at the age of 43. I wish I had been old enough to think to ask her some of the big questions. And I wish I could talk to her now. Thanks for mentioning this. Sending hugs OOOOO.

Anonymous said...

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Any suggestion?

Artes da Cris said...

Sarah, I understand so well what you're thinking and feeling. I lost my mother 4 years ago and it seems 20!!!
Yes, this time of the year is very painful for so many people...I'm fifty too and I think it is a very philosophical age. We think and feel a lot...
Very big hug and my best wishes from Brazil!!!
Ana.

Judy said...

OOHH...you bring a tear to my eye...I miss Mom so much...Like you, we had a great relationship (at least that's the way I remember it)...saw her almost everyday as she lived just down the road...she's been gone since 1986...and she loved this time of year...