Friday, December 31, 2010
Happy New Year Musings..
It is that time of the year that we evaluate our year..our effectiveness in the world. For me it is a time that I evaluate my balance. Ehmmmmmm...balance..what is that..and where the heck has it gone off to?
A few years back my Muse took a long extended vacation to Hawaii..I am thinking my Balance has rented the same sweet cottage there..and has been considering taking up permanent residence. Sometimes we have to get that wake up note from parts of ourselves saying....WAKE UP! Ok...am awake and I have been listening..and meditating..don't be shocked..I did find a few minutes to do so. Monkey mind ensued and not much was enlightened..but enough that I had a moment. This is what my Balance told me.
Much of my life I was a devoted and practicing Christian. I didn't fit really well there...I asked too many questions and argued doctrine a bit too much. I wanted to understand the nature of God and why some interpreted it one way and others another. I was Biblically well read and had studied with a passion. Frankly I drove my pastors to annoyance. Still..I felt outside of the norm..I did not fit in there. There were many things that kept me from feeling at peace within the boundaries of Christianity. So after my divorce as many do..I became a bit of a seeker. I will state clearly that I did not abandon my faith in God..I just sought to expand it. We all...I believe deeply are put here to find our path and how we should worship in our own way. I for one..and some may disagree..feel that this practice should be respected..that we each should be allowed to follow our given path. Ok..am rambling and preaching...sorry..back to my point.
When you lose balance as a Christian and lose your way it is called backsliding..as though you are on a slippery slope at all times. I often felt that way. Always struggling to make the grade. Getting distracted by life.. forgetting my practice..forgetting to pray and read. After my divorce, my belief system evolved to encompass other practices like meditation, yoga, Reiki, Buddhism and the natural way of the year to follow one season after another..my practice grew and reshaped. I read and learned and added some pieces of one system and bits of others until I found a bit of balance in what felt correct to me. This offered joy and thanks to my higher power..and blessed the real me..not a small part of me..all of me. This has brought me great joy to worship in this way..great peace.
So here I am December 31st and as I spent time in meditation..it came to me in a quiet and gentle voice...that I was out of balance. I had stepped away from my practice. I had allowed the world to step in and take away my peace..I had forgotten that everything changes..constantly..that I could only control certain things..like my mind and my choices..not others and theirs. I had allowed stress and the chaos of the world to not just throw me off balance..but right off the cliff and into the deep waters. I have been treading water for most of the year. It did not occur to me to swim for shore..then sit down and breathe. Even when it crossed my mind I allowed myself to be distracted again. So rather than say that I have backslidden..I will say that I turned my back and wandered off the path..I got caught up in the bush. I have managed to find my way back to the path again. Not alone.. I had some serious help here..for that I thank so many of you. For hanging in there with me and offering me a loving and supportive hand.
This December you all reminded me who I was..what was important and above all..that I was cared for. Funny how in the middle of chaos we seem to loose that one. There are no words to say how deeply you have effected my life! No words. Your grace is astounding and I am blessed to have received it...thank you.
May each and every one of you have a blessing filled New Year. I will simply say Namaste.."I honor the place in you in which the entire Universe dwells, I honor the place in you which is of Love, of Integrity, of Wisdom and of Peace. When you are in that place in you, and I am in that place in me, we are One."Love, Sarah