Saturday, December 4, 2010
The real deal...the truth...a request...
I have been blogging for about, well about two years now..and I have always been straight up..the real deal..what you see here is who I am. For the last several months I have been hiding. Buried away in a hole just trying to cope with everything that is going on in my life. I didn't want to sound whiny and vent all over the place. Cause it is easier for me to be the one giving support rather than seeking it. It is hard for me to ask for help..even if it is just a hug or a prayer. So I have been hiding what is truth.
I loved teaching here...loooove it. But as I was teaching the last Let Fly class, it occurred to me way to often that I needed to stop and work myself thought some issues at hand myself. Isn't that the way it always is..teacher teach thyself?? I don't think I could teach that class from the point of view that I have it all together..or am without issues. Cause..well I am flawed..I wade into that river of denial now and again..and need a butt kicking to get myself out. But what I have not been doing here is being me..being honest..being the blogger I expect myself to be. So...after reading this last weeks wishcasters be honest and out there..I hung my head and took a deep breath and here I am..being me and Letting Fly with the truth of where I am.
The truth is I am wickedly exhausted..worn out... overwhelmed and just plain sick and tired. The economy has hit our household in a huge way, financially I am just keeping our heads above water. How I will pay for Christmas for my kids is totally beyond me at this point and that just slays me ..it does. I know the big kids will get it...they will love handmade things from me..but the little ones..it is different..I would like to at least get a couple things on their list..not at all sure how I will do that at the moment. I have three weeks to figure it out. I have been physically sick..no surprise there. I miss my Mom, I miss my sisters..I am feeling alone.
The financial stress of the last six months has put a strain on my relationship with my other half..we fight more often than I would like and I hate that..hate it. Often over silly things..and sometimes what is left over after we are done makes it all even worse. We are trying to keep plugging away through it all..we really are trying to get through together.
But some relief needs to come soon. Cause I am totally without the reserves to keep being the strong one all the time...day in and day out..24/7. I need to find a way to make things better. There is much here I have not shared..but the core of it is written here. I have lost my voice..physically lost it..for almost two weeks now..that pretty much says it all huh..Sarah with no voice. Do ya suppose I am all caught up in the chest and throat? Something like that I am thinkin'!
So here I am venting..and laying it all out there. I feel wickedly whiny..and honestly I feel weak and self focused. I can't seem to find that warrior woman..or my muse or myself for that matter. I feel a bit lost. I have wandered off into the bush..way off my path somehow. So this next week would you do me a favor..could you say a little prayer..send a little positive energy my way? So maybe I can find a way back to the strong, present, happy me..that positive woman that I like so much better than this cranky, whiny girl. So I might find a way back to my path. Thank you all so much! Do you know how much you all mean to me here..you do..I am sorry I have not been here to say so..you all bless me you do!
Hugs and love, Sarah