Saturday, December 4, 2010

The real deal...the truth...a request...


I have been blogging for about, well about two years now..and I have always been straight up..the real deal..what you see here is who I am. For the last several months I have been hiding. Buried away in a hole just trying to cope with everything that is going on in my life. I didn't want to sound whiny and vent all over the place. Cause it is easier for me to be the one giving support rather than seeking it. It is hard for me to ask for help..even if it is just a hug or a prayer. So I have been hiding what is truth.

I loved teaching here...loooove it. But as I was teaching the last Let Fly class, it occurred to me way to often that I needed to stop and work myself thought some issues at hand myself. Isn't that the way it always is..teacher teach thyself?? I don't think I could teach that class from the point of view that I have it all together..or am without issues. Cause..well I am flawed..I wade into that river of denial now and again..and need a butt kicking to get myself out. But what I have not been doing here is being me..being honest..being the blogger I expect myself to be. So...after reading this last weeks wishcasters be honest and out there..I hung my head and took a deep breath and here I am..being me and Letting Fly with the truth of where I am.

The truth is I am wickedly exhausted..worn out... overwhelmed and just plain sick and tired. The economy has hit our household in a huge way, financially I am just keeping our heads above water. How I will pay for Christmas for my kids is totally beyond me at this point and that just slays me ..it does. I know the big kids will get it...they will love handmade things from me..but the little ones..it is different..I would like to at least get a couple things on their list..not at all sure how I will do that at the moment. I have three weeks to figure it out. I have been physically sick..no surprise there. I miss my Mom, I miss my sisters..I am feeling alone.

The financial stress of the last six months has put a strain on my relationship with my other half..we fight more often than I would like and I hate that..hate it. Often over silly things..and sometimes what is left over after we are done makes it all even worse. We are trying to keep plugging away through it all..we really are trying to get through together.

But some relief needs to come soon. Cause I am totally without the reserves to keep being the strong one all the time...day in and day out..24/7. I need to find a way to make things better. There is much here I have not shared..but the core of it is written here. I have lost my voice..physically lost it..for almost two weeks now..that pretty much says it all huh..Sarah with no voice. Do ya suppose I am all caught up in the chest and throat? Something like that I am thinkin'!

So here I am venting..and laying it all out there. I feel wickedly whiny..and honestly I feel weak and self focused. I can't seem to find that warrior woman..or my muse or myself for that matter. I feel a bit lost. I have wandered off into the bush..way off my path somehow. So this next week would you do me a favor..could you say a little prayer..send a little positive energy my way? So maybe I can find a way back to the strong, present, happy me..that positive woman that I like so much better than this cranky, whiny girl. So I might find a way back to my path. Thank you all so much! Do you know how much you all mean to me here..you do..I am sorry I have not been here to say so..you all bless me you do!

Hugs and love, Sarah

43 comments:

Laura said...

i will be thinking of you, sending you good strong thoughts to you that you feel better and find your way again. :)
blessings
~*~

Snap said...

Sending dragon vibes to my warrior woman named Sarah! And, a few hugs, too!

Sarah said...

thank you both :)

Kiki aka Victoria said...

Sarah...hugs to you! Wishing many sparkles and blessings to you..and may all you need come your way to bring harmony..and spark a light upon a path and carry you home!All is well..shine on ..sparkle..open your arms recieve..let your spirit guide you!
Hugs
Victoria~

Linda S. Socha said...

Hugs to you Darling....Thinking of you and wishing you loads of simple pleasures that help make days brighter and nights feel like a snuggle.

I admire you and I deeply appreciate this communication
Linda

Sarah said...

Thank you both ..:)

yoborobo said...

Sarah, sometimes life just gets to wearing you down. Sounds like that is where you are. It doesn't help that the holidays are here, and you feel like you can't do for your kids. I will hold you in my thoughts and prayers. Take care of yourself. That is what matters most to your kids. A healthy momma. love to you - xoxo Pam

Witchy Godmother said...

Magical energy and love coming your way from the Cottage. Hugs and sparkles - WG

Christine said...

I'm so sorry about everything. I new something was going on because you just haven't been around.

I don't feel like you haven't been telling the truth at all. I wouldn't trust a person with no problems to help me out with my own. How could you?

You are a GOOD person, a caring person, a person who does things for others all the time. Good things WILL come to you because of that. Sometimes they don't happen when and how we would like, but it will all work out! I promise. But, in order for that to happen, you must (and I know you know this), keep good thoughts, happy thoughts and keep doing the things that make you happy and you will be!!! Simple as that.

I know how much you want for your children at Christmas but even the young ones will understand. We had Christmases like those when I was a child.

Remember, you are special and you are beautiful and everything is going to be okay.

Of course, I have you in my thoughts and prayers.

Blessings,
Christine

TheRustyThimble said...

Big hugs Sarah, Oh if I could count all the many times I have had these feelings. Maybe you need to relax and stop putting so much pressure on yourself. Sometimes we *the strong ones* have to have a weak side too. Sometimes we just do that does not mean you are not strong......because that strength will surface again just fine.
prayers my dear keep your head up.
And just a thought maybe you need to think about doing something special with each child just one on one time you and each of them, something inexpensive ?? It amazes me sometimes how simple things can be the answer to a childs happiness.
Brenda

umbrellalady said...

Sarah - It's ok to admit that you need a hug (I wish I was there to actually give you one)and that life is sending you a major curve ball. I've been there and just starting to work my way out of it - it is hard but you have a wonderful family that loves you. You are a wonderful,talented, giving person who I admire immensely.

Sara said...

Much love and strength and hugs to you my friend. Positive energy coming your way. xx

Debra She Who Seeks said...

I'm sending special prayers to Lakshmi the Goddess of Abundance that She may open Her hand and shower you with what you need to make a merry Christmas for Fox and Nonni. Plus I'm heading to your Etsy shop right now, dear Sarah.

Sarah said...

Am in tears..thank you so much all!!

holdingmoments said...

A big HUG from over here Sarah.
I'm sure you'll find that inner strength to get through it all.

stregata said...

Sarah - you are not being whiny. It is not good to keep all those feelings inside - they turn into a big scary monster. Much better to let them out. Sorry to hear you have been hit so hard by these difficult times. Sending much love and good energy your way.

Sarah Lulu said...

G'day Sarah ..I love authenticity ..it means I can also be me around you.

I know that space you are in and it will change ...yes it will.

I once lost my voice for six months ....during a terrible period in my life ...of course that passed too!

Hang in there ....imagine yourself up into better.

I've never bought anything from an Etsy shop in my life ...but if I can figure out how, I will buy something.

xxxx

Danielle Barlow said...

Aah, Sarah, I'm sorry to hear this. I will send lots of positive energy your way :) xxxxxx

Cinner said...

Dear Sarah, I am sorry you are having to go through this. I hate that you have all these stressors right now. YOU will get through this, look at all you have achieved so far. you will have your voice back soon. now you are out warrior Zena woman, you just have to keep going on, sometimes it is hard to see the good when you feel the other troubles around you.
It is sad that the recession has hit so many, keep the faith though my friend. I wish you your strength back, remember you are loved, what you do is worthwhile, and you are appreciated. hugs Sarah, email me anytime. god bless.

Bonnie said...

Sending good thoughts and wishes for 'ease' in your life Sarah. Hang on.

Jeanne said...

Sarah, First off, here's a HUGE {{HUG}}. Now take a deep breath... a really deep breath and just breathe.
And I want you to know that you are not alone. A burden is less heavy when shared....
You are neither whiny nor weak nor self-centered. A person can only keep so much emotion bottled up inside before the emotions boil over. And that isn't healthy for anyone. I know. I've been there. It's better to share your problems because then you can get more creative input to helping solve them.
The economy sucks! (to put it bluntly) And too many really great people are hurting because of it. Have you tried talking to Nonni and Fox about your financial situation? Kids are much more perceptive than we give them credit for. There are probably several organizations in your community (especially this time of year) that can help out with food baskets or maybe even gifts for the holidays. Contact maybe the chamber of commerce or the local college or even the local radio station for info.
Sending many warm, loving, positive thoughts your way for a brighter tomorrow. ♥

Jeanne said...

Another thought...check your local Walmart for an Angel Tree for the kids.

Sarah said...

Awwwww I am in tears again...thank you all so much...your words have lifted me and made me feel so not alone! Thank you ...thank you and huge hugs back to each and every one of you!! Love, Sarah

Diva Kreszl said...

sweet Sarh, I am so sorry to hear about your troubles, it seems so many are struggling through this tough economy. I am holding you in my prayers and hope that the support of cyber friends will see you through this!

Sarah said...

Thank you so much hon!!

Yarrow said...

Dear Sarah. I'm so sorry that you're finding life a struggle at the moment. I'll be sending lots of love and hugs through the ether to you.xxx

Mellisa said...

Sometimes the best thing you can do is just put all those emotions out there instead of keeping them bottled up. Positive thoughts your way :) I wish you the happiest Christmas and I agree with the earlier commenter that it's all about putting magic into the holiday for the kiddos, inexpensive or free new traditions you can create, not what you can spend.

summertime dreams said...

Oh Sarah, that sounds tough! And I know how it can be, always being the strong one. The one that everyone else can count on. And it's a very rewarding role, but one can't escape the eventual burn out. You just can't. This rough patch is enevitable. You need time, time to relax, time to sort your thoughts, and time to regenerate. I know that time can be harder to come by in the winter months, when everyone tends to be cooped up togeether indoors.
I hope that you find your time this week, and that you and your other half find the strength to fight this fight together.
Much hugs and strong, happy vibes going out to you and yours. You are definitely not alone!

Sarah said...

Thank you so very much..I cannot tell you all how much this has helped!! {{{{hugs}}}}

Donna B said...

Sarah. You still are a warrior. Even warriors must remove the armor and rest. Trees and flowers go dormant and don't regain their full glory until Spring... Please stop being so hard on yourself.

I hear and read about so many in the same position you find yourself these days. This economy has kicked everyone's butts!!

One common voice has been weaving itself through all the BS and it says making memories during the holidays are more meaningful over the years, where often a store bought toy is forgotten.

You are a teacher, so teach your younger children the truth. We ARE going through tough times in this country. Maybe find a food shelter and take all your kids and donate some time to serve food. Let them see they have so much to be grateful for; A loving family, a warm home, food to eat...

If your children are like so many today, they have enough toys and a life lesson is often the better gift.

I read today in the Parade, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt take their kids to a different country and expose them to the people and the customs every Christmas. Yeah, they have lots of money, but more importantly, they are making memories as a family, which will last their entire lives.

I have a friend who is having each of her children select a toy of their own to wrap and give to a child who has no home. She sat and talked with her children about those less fortunate and her gift was listening to how compassionate and enthusiastic her kids were to follow her lead...

You are a good person Sarah. I know when you strap back on your armor, you will be stronger than ever and you will teach valuable lessons and lead by example.

Blessings and strength to you.

Joanna Jenkins said...

Big sigh. So much love is in your comments above dear Sarah. I hope you are feeling every bit of it and all mine too.

Like everyone else, I don't hear a whine or a complaint. But I do hear exhaustion and for that I am so sorry. It's hard to get your head above water when you are worn out and sick so please, take some extra time to rest yourself and mend.

in the meantime, know that you are cherished and loved and that a whole lot of us are cheering you on 24/7.

xoxoxoxo jj

Sarah said...

Ok am sobbing again...thank you both and yes...I so feel it..so deeply!! Thank you! Big Hugs!!

Grace said...

Positive energy flowing your way. Peace, Sarah.

Gail H. Ragsdale said...

Peace and love Sarah~

LauraX said...

Oh Sarah, I've not been by in such a long time, and so glad I did today...YOU my dear are wicked STRONG, COURAGEOUS, HONEST, KIND, CREATIVE, FILLED with LIGHT and LOVE...and I am sooooo sorry you and your family are going through such tough times right now...just keep remembering WHO YOU ARE...your beautiful essence...your children WILL understand the most important thing of all...YOU love THEM...no gift can, no material thing can fill their hearts with mother love...only you can do that!!!

gentle steps

Sarah said...

Thank so much ladies...I am without words I really am!!
Huge Hugs:)

carla (http://dancingmoon-carla.blogspot.com/) said...

lots of hugs to you Sarah!!! Thanks!!! I guess you wouldn't expect a thank you for this, but you have just helped me so much... I have been having such a hard time...and being mad at myself for it...mad at myself for not being tougher...not wanting anyone to know...and you put it all out there...I don't feel so alone anymore...I hope it all gets better soon...thanks so much

The Strawberry Mallard said...

Oh if I had only known.......with all my heart am praying for you dear angel!
Email me, google chat me, am here.
Love, NEB

deb said...

Sarah ,
I'm so sorry I missed this!! So wrapped up in my own issues at the moment.

love and prayers and wishes for peace.

Brandi said...

Hi Sarah ~ I am so late in reading my blogs and I just wanted to tell you that I am sending you as much love as I can. Sometimes life is so hard and it seems almost impossible... but if we remember that it is not and that we have friends and love we can get through anything. Big hugs and wishes for all things to work out. Love ~ Brandi

Heart of a Cowgirl said...

Hi Sarah: I've been out of the loop for a bit... and I'm late sending you some light and positive energy, but how nice to continue to keep getting it as others find your post, too! Belated or not. :) I hope you are doing better and that you are back to your old sweet self.

Kottage Kreations said...

Dearest Sarah,
I am feeling your sorrows and I can relate to your troubles as I too am going through the exact same issues. My husband has become extremely ill and our income has been cut to hardly nothing. We struggle from day to day, even homeless for 4 months. That was hard enough for anyone to endure. We are slowly but surely getting above water day to day, one step at a time. That is all we can do. My shop doesn't do too well as of yet, but every bit helps. We have been to the food basket lines, salvation army, and family has helped out tremendously. We have each other for Christmas and that is enough for us. Having small children, I do not, but we know all too well how hard it is this time of year. My prayers and thoughts go out to you and your family. I am so glad to have found you, you sharing your life here and meeting you through your blog. May blessings come your way with loving hugs. ((HUGzzz))!

Wild Roaming One (WRO) said...

Dearest Sarah,

It's been awhile my friend...seems that hardship has both kept us busy with it's energy sucking ways...when we need it the most, we abandon that which nurtures us, it's a conundrum for sure.

Not sure where you are at now, but here's a hug & something I'm learning...to trust. simple yet oh so freaking hard. Go check out Terri st. cloud's blog "honor yourself"...she has such insight into the darkness...and i'm grateful for her in my bloglife.

*hugs*
Oat xo