Tuesday, November 1, 2016
Hope comes home....
First off..let me say thank you to all of you who pulled up a chair and joined me last week. Those of you who gave me feedback, encouragement and hugs. HUGE hugs back and...thank you! You have no idea how very much it meant to me, to feel part of the tribe again. Thank you!
So since last week's leap..I feel...better, stronger..I feel a little bit of hope again. Hope is a funny thing, it seems like such a normal thing..well maybe that is the thing..the normal part. When things in my life were pre-trauma, hope seemed easy, simple. It just was there. I have always been that glass is half full kinda person. It came easy. Tomorrow would be better. Hope was always at my side. Cancer changed that, the choices I made after changed that. IT changed. To be honest it changed me, that loss of hope. She was always that steady presence by my side that guided me. That gentle, guiding light through the fog of stress and life's issues. Suddenly, after cancer she had run off like a wounded wolf. That wolf kept me protected from so very much. I did not realize it until she was gone. I was vulnerable and terrified. I was left groping around in the dark trying to find my way. I was lost in this terrifying new place without my wolf.
Folks have said to me often in the last three years..
"Sarah, you have changed, your not the same ole' Sarah."
This is painfully true and beautifully true. I am not the same ole' me. I have been through hell and come out the other side. I have fought hard and survived. For that win, I paid a price. I am not the same Sarah. I am stronger and more vulnerable, lighter and darker, happier and more deeply sad Sarah. I am an oxymoron of emotions. And..I deeply have missed my wolf.
Now I know what your thinking...Well of course your different..duh?!
But to those closest to survivors it is not so simple. Be gentle with them...they have spent years knowing the old us..the pre-trauma us. The new me is a bit of a shock. Add to that, the dealing with my own internal struggle to right myself, cause seriously, my boat was listing in a huge way. It is hard for them as well. So, as I have battled with my new self, others are battling to make me the old self. Or worse, the you they think you should be now. In my case that is often ..be the joyful, happy all the time, pink wearing, survivor. Be gentle with us. I am not a label...I am me, I have to find my way through this in a way that I need, not someone else's way. I need to find and follow my path. That fact is hard for folks who love you, be patient..cause we love you too. But please keep in mind, we will never be that same person again. But with any luck we will be a stronger, better one.
So, I saw my wolf last week, through the shadows in the woods. She has healed and is seeking my company. So this week, I am on my knees coaxing her out of the shadows and hoping she will return to my side. To be again my strong and steady companion on this path. She is changed too it seems. She has become a more realistic wolf, a less Pollyanna wolf. We have both grown a bit. I am so very happy to have her back. Hope makes any journey softer on the soul.
Thank you for popping by again and pulling up a chair. The fireplace is roaring and there is hot cider to be had! Please feel free to share your thoughts or feelings. As always, Namaste