Thursday, July 1, 2010

Musings on Mama Fear...


I was so touched by all of the comments on Wishcasting yesterday..about being brave and being scared about my Dr. visit yesterday. I felt like a million bucks yesterday after I was done...like this huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Silly to put off going to the GYN...more silly to worry about it at 2am for months. I know huh...duh! It got me thinking about why I did. I think it was two fold honestly...fear and bigger fear.

The big fear at nearly 50...the big C word...cancer. My Mother was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was 22.. she passed away from it when I was 27. Some of those years she did really well..some not so much. But I was there with her through the whole thing, chemo, radiation, the anger, frustration, loss. I felt blessed that I had that time. It also scared the crap out of me for years. Of course losing Renee this year just intensified this for me.. I miss them both so very much!

I was a brand new mother when my Mom was diagnosed..I was due with my second in two weeks when she passed. My Mom shared with me in a calm moment one very large regret... she had not gone and gotten mammograms..she had ignored them..on purpose out of fear. By the time they found it..it was walnut sized and had metastasized. Had she gone earlier..she might have beaten it. She wanted me to know so I didn't repeat her mistake.

After she passed I had a morbid habit of reading the obits to see how many women had died at a young age of cancer...I was really scared. I had two biopsies during that period for benign fibroid breast tumors...terrified. I became oversensitive to every little change...eventually I had to mellow out and relax..but along with that came a sneaky little thing...stuffed fear... I was afraid to get my checkups...I did..but terrified me! Thus my massive fear this week...silly huh...really seriously...my Mama taught me this lesson...it was time that I embraced it...so I did this week!! Whoot.

Here is the other thing about being older..almost 50... the bigger fear... I have a six year old and an 11 year old still here at home. There is so much talk about older Mama's...women starting later with their families..etc. etc. Here is something they don't mention...that fear that most all mothers have...that they will get killed, become ill and die..whatever...and their children will be left with out them...K need tissues...IS HUGE when you are an older parent! It is like mega intensified...you have this overwhelming need to see your children all get through high school...then you can breathe again..seriously.. breaks me up just writing this..the thought of my babies here without me. Ok...need to breathe for a second...

So what is my point here...that what I learned this week ..finally it seems...was this. We cannot always know what is going to happen...we don't. Our dearest wish is to be old with our children, grandchildren and great grandchildren..I know without a doubt that was my Mother's wish. She was afraid to know..about illness..her Mother had cancer too...her fear stopped her from acting. I don't want to do that..I want to embrace the lesson my Mother shared with me...take care of you..get checkups...the fear is worse than the anything else...certainly not taking care of you. The best way for me to ensure that I am here for my kids young and old..is to get my checkups...take care of my health.. exercises, eat well..meditate and take care of me!!!! Sometimes in our fear...we forget to do that...I certainly did.
Hugs and love, Sarah

14 comments:

Bonnie said...

You are so brave. It takes courage to be vulnerable and name our fears. As you say, sometimes the fear is even worse than the reality.

The loss of Renee was huge. Hard to get our bearings and go on after something like that.

Love that collage. It oozes love. Love you have created and no one can take away.

Diva Kreszl said...

such a beautifully written heartfelt post! Sarah I am so happy that you have decided to put your care and health above your fears...you go girl!

Judy said...

You need to relax about these checkups...you are going like you should...good...continue that...however, the fear might be causing you to have stress hormornes building up in your system...relax and let go of that fear...the continued fear is not good for you...yes, meditate and get rid of that stress...

Cygnus MacLlyr said...

Glad you got the thing behind you!

I suppose I could, and should, be in a bit of a fearful state-- about to become a father, again, at age forty-three, mother 37, diabetic... but for now I don't feel the fear. I don't see it. I know not all is roses and cream, but I'm riding the joy of upcoming years for now. We'll deal with whatever comes along, as we must. Frowns will have their time; for now, a smile...

Karen D said...

You are a brave warrior woman! I am so glad you went and all is well, maybe it will motivate me to go.
What a beautiful collage filled with such love and joy.

Joanna Jenkins said...

Please pass the tissues this way.....

Live in the moment. It's 4 words that pretty much sums it all up in our household. You just never know what's around the corner and if you're not on top of your health you know even less.

I'm so glad you went for your check-up and it's behind you for a year. Spend the next year nudging your hubby to have his check-up too :-)

xoxoxo

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Beautiful, wise post -- thank you!

TechnoBabe said...

You sound like a weight has been lifted now that you bit the mammo machine. My mom had one breast removed and then seven years later the other breast and then a few years later ovarian cancer. She is still alive and almost 89. I am so sorry for your loss of your mom when you were a young mom.

yoborobo said...

Oh, Sarah, I could so have a Fear Party with you! lol! I am an older Mom, too, and in my 50s, with one still needing to get through high school, and I feel exactly like you do, that I can't breath until he graduates. :) I have the same fear of going to the doctor, even though I know better (like NOT going to the doctor will prevent things! OY! The way the mind works!). Well, if I lived closer, I would come over and personally pat you on the back for your bravery. How about a virtual hug instead? :) xox! Pam

Christine said...

That's so tough. You know if you let fair overtake you, you will gain what you feared. You're right, go to the doc when they want to see you!

Blessings,
Christine

Cinner said...

Sarah, you are an amazing lady to put your fears out there for us to see, and you know your right take care of you. What I know is this is that you are a loving mother and some children have never had that, so cherish every day you have, tuck all the what ifs away. I understand your fears and I am so sorry you lost your Mom so young. You just keep loving those children and you and all will be well. hugs my friend.

Yarrow said...

Sarah I totally understand all that you've said. When I had my scare last month I was almost paralyzed with fear, mostly for my children. Now a close family member has avoided certain health issues with terrifying consequences! It's never worth dodging these checkups, never!

I'm so glad you're ok, now you can concentrate on the things that matter to you.x

Blue Moon Mama said...

Wonderful post! I'm a first time momwith a 6 month old & I'm 38. Dying & leaving her is my second greatest fear. (Something happening to her is my biggest) . I think of all we'd miss sharing together & it's devastating to consider. I worry that no one else could ever cherish her the way I do or that she'd grow up without knowing what a miracle & blessing she is. To make myself feel better I write letters to her. I want her to have a tangible record of how much she means to me.

Judy Merrill-Smith said...

Hugs for you today, Sarah.