Thursday, July 1, 2010
Musings on Mama Fear...
I was so touched by all of the comments on Wishcasting yesterday..about being brave and being scared about my Dr. visit yesterday. I felt like a million bucks yesterday after I was done...like this huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Silly to put off going to the GYN...more silly to worry about it at 2am for months. I know huh...duh! It got me thinking about why I did. I think it was two fold honestly...fear and bigger fear.
The big fear at nearly 50...the big C word...cancer. My Mother was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was 22.. she passed away from it when I was 27. Some of those years she did really well..some not so much. But I was there with her through the whole thing, chemo, radiation, the anger, frustration, loss. I felt blessed that I had that time. It also scared the crap out of me for years. Of course losing Renee this year just intensified this for me.. I miss them both so very much!
I was a brand new mother when my Mom was diagnosed..I was due with my second in two weeks when she passed. My Mom shared with me in a calm moment one very large regret... she had not gone and gotten mammograms..she had ignored them..on purpose out of fear. By the time they found it..it was walnut sized and had metastasized. Had she gone earlier..she might have beaten it. She wanted me to know so I didn't repeat her mistake.
After she passed I had a morbid habit of reading the obits to see how many women had died at a young age of cancer...I was really scared. I had two biopsies during that period for benign fibroid breast tumors...terrified. I became oversensitive to every little change...eventually I had to mellow out and relax..but along with that came a sneaky little thing...stuffed fear... I was afraid to get my checkups...I did..but terrified me! Thus my massive fear this week...silly huh...really seriously...my Mama taught me this lesson...it was time that I embraced it...so I did this week!! Whoot.
Here is the other thing about being older..almost 50... the bigger fear... I have a six year old and an 11 year old still here at home. There is so much talk about older Mama's...women starting later with their families..etc. etc. Here is something they don't mention...that fear that most all mothers have...that they will get killed, become ill and die..whatever...and their children will be left with out them...K need tissues...IS HUGE when you are an older parent! It is like mega intensified...you have this overwhelming need to see your children all get through high school...then you can breathe again..seriously.. breaks me up just writing this..the thought of my babies here without me. Ok...need to breathe for a second...
So what is my point here...that what I learned this week ..finally it seems...was this. We cannot always know what is going to happen...we don't. Our dearest wish is to be old with our children, grandchildren and great grandchildren..I know without a doubt that was my Mother's wish. She was afraid to know..about illness..her Mother had cancer too...her fear stopped her from acting. I don't want to do that..I want to embrace the lesson my Mother shared with me...take care of you..get checkups...the fear is worse than the anything else...certainly not taking care of you. The best way for me to ensure that I am here for my kids young and old..is to get my checkups...take care of my health.. exercises, eat well..meditate and take care of me!!!! Sometimes in our fear...we forget to do that...I certainly did.
Hugs and love, Sarah