I know...I have been gone from my blog for almost a year...I have been well...hiding I guess. Recovering, regrouping... reinventing myself. Dealing with the aftermath of a battle with cancer..no one tells you about the after part really. Your so busy fighting to stay alive, that is where the focus is. Then suddenly your cut loose and you feel a bit lost and well...terrified. After months of constant care and folks hovering over you (in a good way), your out there suddenly alone. There is this huge part of you that is so relieved, and feeling hugely blessed that you made it through the battle alive!! Oh yes I am!! But the part they don't tell you about is the post traumatic stress part.
So, for the last year I have been hiding..way out here on this Caribbean island. 'Cause I did a geographic in hopes of regrouping, and running away from and to the familiar. At least that is what it seems to me. When I finished up chemo, I went back to work, got back to things, quit wearing pink, quit wearing that horrid wig, headed back to being me. Funny thing ..that woman was gone. That woman who wrote this blog for years with strength, joy and that Let Fly attitude. I lost her..she was gone. Left behind was a weak, beaten down, scared, terrified warrior woman who had lost all her armor and was down on her knees. My delightful Muse..stood by waiting patiently, hand on my shoulder.
For many months I just focused on right now..this day..this week..this month. Little by little my Muse gently reached out to me...
"Sarah..its time."
"Uhm..nope not ready yet. I need more time to ignore it all." Then I would sob for a bit.
After my diagnosis in January 2014 the most difficult time of my day was that moment I woke up. My mind went right to...ooo wonderful new day..what are we gonna do? To...Omg I have cancer..what am I gonna do? It was depressing and terrifying. Over the last year I have woken to my Muse saying..
"Sarah..its time to deal a little bit..just a little..come on girl!" And I would sob some more.
So folks here I am.. finally dealing. Ready for some post traumatic growth. Still sobbing, but excited too. I was thinking blogging a bit might help me along..and well...I was hoping you guys might too.
Namaste all xoxoxo
32 comments:
Welcome back to the world of blogging!! We've know all along how strong you are. Strong people have to sob sometimes too!!
XOXO,
Lynn and The Rocky Creek Scotties
Beautiful open-hearted purging of your soul! It is difficult for those who have not fought a battle like this to truly understand the complexities that lie in wait daily! Thanks for helping so many to understand better. You are a breath of fresh Caribbean air. xoxox
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You have always been special to me. In the last year of reading between the lines I realized that something wasn't right, but didn't feel comfortable to ask what was wrong. I hope this helps you continue on and if needed my shoulder is always ready to be cried on.
gail xoxo
Guess I need to get back to my blog also
She's not lost or gone... just transforming from duckling (cute ) to swan. You have been thought of often & I am happy to count you among my long distance friends.
Baby steps.
Lovely to read this xxxx
She's not lost or gone... just transforming from duckling (cute ) to swan. You have been thought of often & I am happy to count you among my long distance friends.
Baby steps.
Lovely to read this xxxx
Xoxo
Awwww thank you hon!♡♡
Awwww hugs
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I'm right there with you Sarah. Your beautiful muse won't be denied and all of us are here to support and applaud you as the new warrior emerges. Take those steps, no matter how small. You have a new path to follow. Thank you for sharing. Hugs my friend.
Awwww thank ya hon♡♡♡
Awwww thank ya hon♡♡♡
Welcome back. What a wonderful post!
Thank you Gary :)
Thank you Gary :)
You know we never left you. And we waited patiently with you. And we will believe in you until you believe in yourSelf once again. "Let fly!" I learned that phrase from you; I've kept it safe for you. Now I return it to you. Welcome home.
Oh Sarah, WELCOME BACK my friend. It's been a long time and I'm so happy to see you back in this space taking a step forward. You know we're here to catch you, pass the Kleenex, or crack some jokes-- whatever, that's what Blog Buddies are for.
My heart is with you and sending strength and love you way.
xoxo jj
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♡♡♡♡♡ hi hon:)
♡♡♡♡♡ hi hon:)
Oh DO please writing! Glad you got through what you did...and have the good insight to recognize there are stages to this, each one handled one-at-a-time. Stronger & stronger!
Love,
~Carol
Hugs ♡♡♡
Hugs ♡♡♡
You are so amazing Sarah and I am so very glad that you are back, in more ways than one. Hugs!
I'm so glad you're back and in the place where we first met. I understand the need to hide before taking a step back out into the world. I've done it a lot in the last few years, taken some steps and then retreated again. The good thing is that we're all still here for eachother. Big loves and hugs to you Sarah.xxx
Awww hi you guys...thank you xoxox
Hey! I just saw this! You know, I can't say it's the same thing, but I went through a deep depression after my father died and sometimes I feel that I'm still recovering--and it's been THREE years! So don't be hard on yourself, maybe you weren't meant to be the same person you were when this all started.
This culture of ours really never prepares you for what do to when tragedy happens--they'll talk you to death about the white picket fence and riding off into the sunsets. But if you look at the animal kingdom--the greatest survivors of things have the most scars. I'm not suggesting at all that people should live their lives under so much duress, or loss, or stress, but I think it's okay to admit that there are times when you are traumatized.
I am wishing you so many good things, Sarah--as always, feel free to message me if you want to talk! HUGS! <3
Hi Sarah -- Sorry to read of your recent health troubles but glad you're okay now and bouncing back! Onward and upward, eh? At least you live in a nice warm climate now -- no more winter!
Awww hon...thank you! Your very right. Huge hugs
HI hon!!!!!! :) glad to be back! So good to find you here..thank you!!
HI hon!!!!!! :) glad to be back! So good to find you here..thank you!!
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