Monday, November 2, 2015
The New Me......Kinda Sorta...
I know...I have been gone from my blog for almost a year...I have been well...hiding I guess. Recovering, regrouping... reinventing myself. Dealing with the aftermath of a battle with cancer..no one tells you about the after part really. Your so busy fighting to stay alive, that is where the focus is. Then suddenly your cut loose and you feel a bit lost and well...terrified. After months of constant care and folks hovering over you (in a good way), your out there suddenly alone. There is this huge part of you that is so relieved, and feeling hugely blessed that you made it through the battle alive!! Oh yes I am!! But the part they don't tell you about is the post traumatic stress part.
So, for the last year I have been hiding..way out here on this Caribbean island. 'Cause I did a geographic in hopes of regrouping, and running away from and to the familiar. At least that is what it seems to me. When I finished up chemo, I went back to work, got back to things, quit wearing pink, quit wearing that horrid wig, headed back to being me. Funny thing ..that woman was gone. That woman who wrote this blog for years with strength, joy and that Let Fly attitude. I lost her..she was gone. Left behind was a weak, beaten down, scared, terrified warrior woman who had lost all her armor and was down on her knees. My delightful Muse..stood by waiting patiently, hand on my shoulder.
For many months I just focused on right now..this day..this week..this month. Little by little my Muse gently reached out to me...
"Uhm..nope not ready yet. I need more time to ignore it all." Then I would sob for a bit.
After my diagnosis in January 2014 the most difficult time of my day was that moment I woke up. My mind went right to...ooo wonderful new day..what are we gonna do? To...Omg I have cancer..what am I gonna do? It was depressing and terrifying. Over the last year I have woken to my Muse saying..
"Sarah..its time to deal a little bit..just a little..come on girl!" And I would sob some more.
So folks here I am.. finally dealing. Ready for some post traumatic growth. Still sobbing, but excited too. I was thinking blogging a bit might help me along..and well...I was hoping you guys might too.
Namaste all xoxoxo