There have been times in my life that I have been called
stubborn girl. Who me? Uhmmm yeah. This last couple of weeks I have tried to
get myself back to work a couple days a week. Clearly finances are a concern…but
well as usual I pushed a bit harder than I should have. My head was thinking
that two days a week, on my feet for seven hours should be doable right? Maybe I
could even handle three or four. Sigh.. last Friday my body and the Universe
had a serious sit down conversation with me. It went something like this.
“Hi Sarah…how is the view from the floor in the back room at
work? You were not ready to come to work today…your body told you so..you
pushed on ahead and well..how does that ceiling look? You have scared your
daughter (working with me) to death and well it’s time to go home for the day
and regroup.”
“But…but…but…I can do this..I will be ok in a bit..just let
me...ok…I will go home.”
Mortified and when I was ok enough to drive, I went home. I
wanted to stay, but my gut was trying to readjust to the new chemo and had
other ideas. I went home and I sat outside for several hours in the shade contemplating.
“Sarah…your fear is overwhelming your trust. Stop today and
listen to me and your body. Slow down, you are not able to do 100% right now.
Someday soon you will, but not yet. You only have so much energy to spread
around as your doing chemo and your body is healing. Stubbornness and fear will
hurt you here. Calm and positive will win this battle..stop and regroup.”
Several folks close to me had been telling me this…many
worried that I was pushing too hard..fear about finances and well..to be honest
my frustration at being at a mere 50% of my normal energy level upset me.
The
fact was simple and clear I only have so much energy to go around right now and I
had to accept that and work with what I had. Thankfully and without fear I had
to do some heavy duty trusting and quit being so stubborn. I restarted my
meditation practice, started measuring my activities more carefully and started
working on being in the present. Not the past or the future..the now. Sometimes
you just have to let go of all the fear before the answers are presented to
you. Is it easy?? NO..cause I want control..but I am working on it. Minute by
minute, hour by hour, day by day. Trusting.
Namaste all, Sarah
3 comments:
Sometimes reality can be a bitter pill to swallow. Take care of yourself first and foremost and then worry about the rest.
(((HUGS)))
And we are working it minute by minute with you....we can do this...yes we can.
You have made a wise decision - and please lean on us all you can.
xo
Lynn
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