There have been times in my life that I have been called stubborn girl. Who me? Uhmmm yeah. This last couple of weeks I have tried to get myself back to work a couple days a week. Clearly finances are a concern…but well as usual I pushed a bit harder than I should have. My head was thinking that two days a week, on my feet for seven hours should be doable right? Maybe I could even handle three or four. Sigh.. last Friday my body and the Universe had a serious sit down conversation with me. It went something like this.
“Hi Sarah…how is the view from the floor in the back room at work? You were not ready to come to work today…your body told you so..you pushed on ahead and well..how does that ceiling look? You have scared your daughter (working with me) to death and well it’s time to go home for the day and regroup.”
“But…but…but…I can do this..I will be ok in a bit..just let me...ok…I will go home.”
Mortified and when I was ok enough to drive, I went home. I wanted to stay, but my gut was trying to readjust to the new chemo and had other ideas. I went home and I sat outside for several hours in the shade contemplating.
“Sarah…your fear is overwhelming your trust. Stop today and listen to me and your body. Slow down, you are not able to do 100% right now. Someday soon you will, but not yet. You only have so much energy to spread around as your doing chemo and your body is healing. Stubbornness and fear will hurt you here. Calm and positive will win this battle..stop and regroup.”
Several folks close to me had been telling me this…many worried that I was pushing too hard..fear about finances and well..to be honest my frustration at being at a mere 50% of my normal energy level upset me.
The fact was simple and clear I only have so much energy to go around right now and I had to accept that and work with what I had. Thankfully and without fear I had to do some heavy duty trusting and quit being so stubborn. I restarted my meditation practice, started measuring my activities more carefully and started working on being in the present. Not the past or the future..the now. Sometimes you just have to let go of all the fear before the answers are presented to you. Is it easy?? NO..cause I want control..but I am working on it. Minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. Trusting.
Namaste all, Sarah