Monday, November 9, 2009

Quilting Bee # 30


"The Voice Of You and Me 2006" by Karen Watts


Good morning all!! I am feeling better this week..not 100% but better. I missed you last week..I really did. So pleased to have you here again. I have put out some simple treats this week. Muffins of every kind!! Lemon Poppy seed, almond, banana nut, blueberry, chocolate chip, apple, pumpkin spice, maple nut...yummm! I have also set out several delicious juices...apple cider, fresh squeezed orange, cranberry, tomato, grape, pineapple mango...oooo I love juice! Kona coffee of course and delicious teas too!

I have racked a complicated quilt today full of twists and turns. Thank you for joining me here today..I have the fire burning and it's all cozy in here! Please pull up a chair!!

I will have to say, not writing last week drove me a bit batty all week. LOL..I resisted the urge to muse aloud and waited till today. Lots of things have been rolling around in my head..had to narrow it down to one for this morning. I have been thinking about success, what it means to society, what it means to the individual, what it means to me. I had one of those light bulb moments this last week..well it was more of one of those light bulb puzzles. You know the 50 pieces that when you put the last one in you go..OMG now I get it. Yeah one of those.

I like so many others, I have suffered from a fear of success. Now that term makes little sense, because seriously who is afraid of success as defined by society. That means money and lots of it. For years I struggled with this one. Why am I afraid of being well off..am I sabotaging myself...but why..I needed money!! But sabotage myself I did! Over and over again. I allowed others to determine my path, my interests, my wants and needs. Anger and guilt kept me from success. Others anger and guilt and my own. I was well off most of my life...that kept me from being successful..it was easier to go with the flow. I had excuse after excuse and roadblock after roadblock I placed in front of myself. Still it made me deeply frustrated that I could not wrap my head around the reason behind why I did these things. With out the root I could not pull out the weed and move on toward the success I wanted.

So what changed? Well I divorced my first husband and was thrown into poverty. By choice, although truly I am not at all sure I understood what that meant at the time..poverty. Don't care what the songs say..there is nothing romantic about the whole thing. But it is enlightening! It was something I needed to understand so many things in life. It was also a major motivator. It lit a major fire under my butt!! Ok it was a slow burning fire and took several years of "poor" before I jumped and went "OUCH". But I did. I found the root to my weed, my fear of success.

It was not fear of success, but fear of responsibility. I had a fear of commitment to an idea, to my life..to me!! I could commit as a wife, as a parent, as a teacher etc...but I was not committed to myself!! To what I wanted & needed, to find my own true North. I was terrified of what would happen if my wildest hearts desire came to me..if I was successful in my artwork! That it would mean being self sufficient, bread winner, ultimate provider, captain of my ship, the big dog, the one in charge. More than this..the one responsible if it all failed.

I had grown up with the idea that I would be a mom, someone else would provide for me. My job was to be a parent! I have discovered that that is not the reality in my life, that someone will provide all for me. When I quit fighting the universe on this and took the reigns to my wagon and Let Fly..well things started happening. I started to find myself..yes Sarah..the real me under all of the other labels..some I adore, but are only parts of me. I needed the true me to be whole. So when I quit fighting the concepts of old..someone else will take care of me. When I quit being angry about it and just let go..the things I dreamed of began to come to me. Am I there yet..no..but I am walking in that direction. On step in front of another..slow and steady wins the race. I am getting there! So my question today..what has kept you, or is keeping you from your own personal success? Please share with us if you would like to!!

I need coffee and a banana muffin, no nuts please! Can I get you something?Thank you for coming today. As always what you have to say touches my heart!!

Namaste, Sarah

16 comments:

Renee said...

You are successful Sarah, now you just need to accept it.

You are also beautiful and talented and kind and compassionate and well this list could go on forever.

Love Renee xoxo

Bonnie, Original Art Studio said...

Your heart, talent, intelligence, generositiy and courage always have me leaving here inspired - and full of coffee and muffins.

Be well dear one.

Emmy said...

Yes, life definitely doesn't always go as we planned it. But if we embrace what we have and put it out there then miraculous things can happen.
Thank you once again for these wonderful insights and glimpses into your life.

Barbara said...

Dear Sarah, Since we grew up in the same house, with the same set of parents, you know I know where you are. You have written here almost exactly the thoughts I was having this weekend. Yes, we're slow to push aside the fear, but we're getting there. Walking into the open doorways is scary. Terrifying. But the light that pours out from them is warm and steals away the chill of fear a little more each time. You're doing great. I'm so proud of you. You are becoming Sarah. xoxox B

Sherry Byrum said...

I agree you are already successful! I think you finally get it my dear friend. Very well written I might add. I could relate so well!!

So pass me some banana muffin and I'll give you a hug!!! :)

I am really glad you are feeling better. I've missed you!

Hugs and hugs
Sherry

TechnoBabe said...

Low self esteem kept me in a place throughout my life that I thought was adequate and what I deserved. Not true today, but only in the past year have I been healing. My insides and my outsides are beginning to match up, shining in and out.

Sherry Byrum said...

Oh I almost forgot! I love that quilt!! Wish I had one for real! :) Beautiful, bright, colorful!!

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Go for it, Sarah! You are an inspiration to many!

magikalseasons said...

You are inspiring and talented. You also have a gift. You speak from your heart and you may not know but your words are very powerful. We may be miles away but I'm right there with you and so are many others! Now I'm feeling like a whole plate of those muffins any kind! I'm not picky! :) xo Becca

Holly said...

So, I suppose it's exactly the same reasons.

You know, I think it's a combination of two things...not really being able to see the success you want...I mean if you could tell exactly what you wanted how to get to it would seem easier...

And the amount of work and effort of learning to invest in oneself can be overwhelming. If it seems impossible to reach, then it is impossible.

Perhaps a lack of vision. Some laziness. Distraction. Fear for certain. A pervasive sense of unworthiness of great things. All of that combine to create a cauldron of disaster.

Here's to us puzzling our way out of the oven and fire and into the light & blessings.

Oh, and one more thing...I am very glad you're better. HUGS for a great week.

Caroline said...

Ha, some of that sounds familiar. I see you as being successful and a talented artist with a good heart. :)

Sonia ;) said...

Quacker sister we are long lost sisters...Mine is the same EXACT story...OMFG..I read this this and said Thats my Fear....Wow....I had the IAM cards are done 2 months ago and when Sheldon died I backed off again out of fear. What If's....I scare myself in being scared of nothing but my own fears of rejection, responsibility, and commitment.....

Thank you for putting it out there...I thought it was silly me thinking it but now know Im not alone with the same fears.

xoxoxoxoxxo Love ya sweetie....Sold 4 cards already

xoxoxxoxoxo Fear Begone

yoborobo said...

I would like a poppyseed muffin and a cup of your delicious Kona coffee please, just milk. :)

I think I know what you're saying about success. I have not been the best about taking the opportunities deposited in my lap and running with them. It seemed to me, at the time, that there were other pressing events that required my attention, and I'm sure there were - but I think, for me, it boils down to this: I always paid myself last. Now I'm trying hard to pay myself first once in awhile. :)

And may I say, Miss Sarah, you are one talented lady. The world is officially your oyster. xox Pam

Alicia @ boylerpf said...

You are so right about success and responsibility. The two go hand in hand with many of us really wanting to be on the sidelines and not the decision makers. We all have this innate thing that defines who we are and when put to the test, some will come out as leaders and some will be followers. Some are content to just be the working bees while others need to be the queen bee. No pun intended with this being the quilting bee!! I think we all have a form of success or rather what our terms of success are. You are a leader so sitting back and not leading, doing for yourself was unsettling to say the least. You dreamed of better things for yourself and hence, needed to change within. Many are happy with their situations..someone else taking care of them...and don't expect any more from life than that.

I'm with you...I just can't sit back. My personal success is truly what I want it to be at any given time on any given day. Not that I don't have goals, but I will not get down about not achieving them today or tomorrow...perhaps they will come next week....But I am always moving forward.
Always love you Quilting bees!!!

stregata said...

I so understand what you are saying - I am still afraid to go there myself!

Suzie said...

Sarah, I've wanted to comment all week, and am just now finding time to gather my thoughts, to try and express them.

When I was reading the first part, before you started your self assessment, the thoughts that were flooding my mind, were that there was something in you, that had to "make it" on your own, on your own terms, and for yourself. Not riding on your parents coattails, as the old saying goes.

I think that there is something within us, or forces without, that set up challenges for us, to get where we want to be. How well we succeed,and how satisfied we are with our plateaus is completely up to us. For some, the greater the struggle, the sweeter the success. And of course, each hurdle is relevant to the individual. What is difficult to some, maybe easy to another. It is very personal prespective on personal goals. I think too that is why someone such as yourself, can't picture themselves as being successful, while the rest of us look on in awe of who you are.

Personally, I think that you have been on your journey of your True North, for a long, long time, from the time that you started thinking for yourself, questing for unknown answers.

And ask youself this. Think back to the alternatives to every major decision you've made, and try and picture where you would be today, if you had taken that other road. How comfortable do you feel, in that picture? Your challenges, your choices, your struggles have made you who you are, and you have come though with flying colors! You are a survivor, a creative, passionate, loving person, who can look at the world without blinders. While that may not be successful in the financial world, I'd say that is success in a greater, more meaningful way.
I don't know if you every saw the fluffy,light comedy movie, Overboard, or not, but toward the end, Roddy MacDowell tells Goldie Hawn, and I'm paraphrasing here, that most of us go through life with blinders on, knowing only that one little station to which we are born, but that she had been given the rare privilege of escaping the bonds for just a short spell to see life from an entirely new perspective. And it was now up to her to choose how to use that information. That little speech has always remainded with me, and when I was reading your narrative, it popped into my mind. You've escaped, and given yourself the new perspective. And I think that you've made the most of it, developing into a gorgeous person, inside and out. And you are not through. Your constant delving into yourself, will keep enhancing who you truly are, and it is a lovely vision. Thank you for sharing your journey.

I hope that this has made some sort of sense. I feel like I'm rambling! lol

Sending you hugs!