Monday, November 9, 2009
Quilting Bee # 30
"The Voice Of You and Me 2006" by Karen Watts
Good morning all!! I am feeling better this week..not 100% but better. I missed you last week..I really did. So pleased to have you here again. I have put out some simple treats this week. Muffins of every kind!! Lemon Poppy seed, almond, banana nut, blueberry, chocolate chip, apple, pumpkin spice, maple nut...yummm! I have also set out several delicious juices...apple cider, fresh squeezed orange, cranberry, tomato, grape, pineapple mango...oooo I love juice! Kona coffee of course and delicious teas too!
I have racked a complicated quilt today full of twists and turns. Thank you for joining me here today..I have the fire burning and it's all cozy in here! Please pull up a chair!!
I will have to say, not writing last week drove me a bit batty all week. LOL..I resisted the urge to muse aloud and waited till today. Lots of things have been rolling around in my head..had to narrow it down to one for this morning. I have been thinking about success, what it means to society, what it means to the individual, what it means to me. I had one of those light bulb moments this last week..well it was more of one of those light bulb puzzles. You know the 50 pieces that when you put the last one in you go..OMG now I get it. Yeah one of those.
I like so many others, I have suffered from a fear of success. Now that term makes little sense, because seriously who is afraid of success as defined by society. That means money and lots of it. For years I struggled with this one. Why am I afraid of being well off..am I sabotaging myself...but why..I needed money!! But sabotage myself I did! Over and over again. I allowed others to determine my path, my interests, my wants and needs. Anger and guilt kept me from success. Others anger and guilt and my own. I was well off most of my life...that kept me from being successful..it was easier to go with the flow. I had excuse after excuse and roadblock after roadblock I placed in front of myself. Still it made me deeply frustrated that I could not wrap my head around the reason behind why I did these things. With out the root I could not pull out the weed and move on toward the success I wanted.
So what changed? Well I divorced my first husband and was thrown into poverty. By choice, although truly I am not at all sure I understood what that meant at the time..poverty. Don't care what the songs say..there is nothing romantic about the whole thing. But it is enlightening! It was something I needed to understand so many things in life. It was also a major motivator. It lit a major fire under my butt!! Ok it was a slow burning fire and took several years of "poor" before I jumped and went "OUCH". But I did. I found the root to my weed, my fear of success.
It was not fear of success, but fear of responsibility. I had a fear of commitment to an idea, to my life..to me!! I could commit as a wife, as a parent, as a teacher etc...but I was not committed to myself!! To what I wanted & needed, to find my own true North. I was terrified of what would happen if my wildest hearts desire came to me..if I was successful in my artwork! That it would mean being self sufficient, bread winner, ultimate provider, captain of my ship, the big dog, the one in charge. More than this..the one responsible if it all failed.
I had grown up with the idea that I would be a mom, someone else would provide for me. My job was to be a parent! I have discovered that that is not the reality in my life, that someone will provide all for me. When I quit fighting the universe on this and took the reigns to my wagon and Let Fly..well things started happening. I started to find myself..yes Sarah..the real me under all of the other labels..some I adore, but are only parts of me. I needed the true me to be whole. So when I quit fighting the concepts of old..someone else will take care of me. When I quit being angry about it and just let go..the things I dreamed of began to come to me. Am I there yet..no..but I am walking in that direction. On step in front of another..slow and steady wins the race. I am getting there! So my question today..what has kept you, or is keeping you from your own personal success? Please share with us if you would like to!!
I need coffee and a banana muffin, no nuts please! Can I get you something?Thank you for coming today. As always what you have to say touches my heart!!