Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Five words.....


Dear Holly has offered me five words to play with today. The idea here is this..use these five words to weave a story about you and then offer them up to five more people who would like to play along. So here are the interesting words that Holly choose for me to create with. Here goes....

1. Genuine Hmmm. I think this was a good choice. I try very hard to be who I really am here. To be the person that you would see if you met me in person or here. I guess in terms of the blog..I struggled with how honest and genuine to be here. How much to share and how much to keep close to the vest. I guess ultimately I decided that all the lessons the universe had offered up for me to learn would not be served if I kept them close to the vest. Now and again I struggle with sharing deeply personal thing, but it seems that those are the posts that seem to touch you all. So..I keep stepping away from fear and "Let Fly". When my sisters, Anne and Barbara joined me in my blogging world..I gulped and stopped again. Did I want to still be as honest and genuine..what would they say..how would they feel? Well..I think at least for me..it has opened relationships with them that have never been so deep. So..I guess genuine works for me.

Disenchanted - Well there is one to weave in to the mix. Disenchanted..I have been that so often in my life. Deeply so. In the Spring of 1997 I attended "Jerry McGuire" with my then husband Mark. The marriage had been abusive and difficult at best. I had at that point spent over ten years trying to get him help for his bipolar issues and try to keep the marriage together despite the abuse and anger issues. After the movie we went to coffee and as we sat there chatting he shared something with me that made my whole world stop on a dime..everything around me slowed down and went quiet. He said this to me...
"You know I feel the same way, I never loved you and only married you because we had slept together and you were a single mom. I have only felt responsibility all of these years. I felt that way as each of the girls were born also. Just heavy responsibility."
I kept my face very controlled and drank my coffee. Seriously I asked? Yes..it was the truth. I let him ramble on and on and dig the pit deeper and deeper. I was dumbstruck and heartbroken. For a couple of weeks I just kinda walked in a haze, then I began to understand how all of the broken pieces of or horrid marriage had fit together. How all of the things I had not understood fit. Then I became angry! For all of those years of loving him and trying to help him..and he had not ever loved me???!! I have never been so disenchanted with anything in my life. Unfortunately he felt the need to share this with the girls too. Within six months we were separated.

3.Table Interesting what a word means to you. When I saw this word I though..yup put it on the table..be upfront, tell it how it is. I abhor passive aggressive behavior. Just tell me what ya think. I may not like it, we may argue or disagree, but I will respect you. I find game playing petty and childish I guess. Maybe I should consider why I feel so strongly about this..my first husband for sure..but I think the roots are deeper than that. K- this is a short one..put it on the table!!!

4.Reluctant Wow there is a word. I guess there is one area that I have become reluctant over the years...I am not much for public gatherings. I don't mind crowds, or those meetings where you are one of 300 and no one knows you. There is little risk there. I guess it is more in groups of women whom I know - larger groups. Unless I am leading something, I feel awkward and out of place. Not that I have to lead I am happy to follow. Here is my problem..I am empathic..I read peoples body language and verbal cues extremely well.. I can feel their emotions and it is overwhelming in groups of more than a five. I am less able to filter out my own emotions and not take things to heart.
Recently in a group of moms at school there was lots of chat going on. One gal started chatting with me and asked me a question about my preschool..it required more that a yes or no answer. Half way through the sentence her buddy walked up and she turned her back to me and left me standing there feeling silly. Yes I know it was rude..but her body language spoke volumes to me..things I really didn't want to know. I am not so oversensitive at 49..more like just aware. I don't enjoy having to put on my armor and fend off information that folks do not realize they are sharing and truly mean nothing by it. But - for me it is there as surely as as if it had been spoken..you were an interesting diversion until my pal got here..now I am done. I was not offended so much as put off and reluctant to put myself out there in groups. So there it is..reluctant.

5. Whirl..I saved this one for last because I just like the word and what it means to me..fun... dancing..Letting Fly. You ask..dancing Sarah? Yes..dancing. I danced for many, many years. Unlike my sister Barb who did ballet..my passion was Modern Jazz. Another note you might not know about me is this.. I am a trained vocalist. The two collided in high school when I joined Chamber singers..a a performance troop that did not only singing but lots of dancing. Now I am not the best dancer in the world..but I loved it and worked hard at it. Thoroughly enjoyed musical comedy. To this day my kids and I whirl when the music is on! Two steppin'... any time! So when you say whirl, I say lets dance!!

So..am not sure if that was interesting for you..but it was a fun exercise for me. Thank you if you got all the way through that! Would you like to play this fun word game?? If so let me know and I will fly off a few interesting words your way!!
Namaste, Sarah

10 comments:

Sheila said...

LOVED this...and I'm game! Send me WORDS. lakesideqltr@yahoo.com

I love that your responses are a mix - honesty, pain, fun. Such is life.

Karen D said...

Thanks so much for sharing so much of yourself Sarah, I really enjoyed reading these and learning more about you, I am game if you want to send me some words.
Namaste, Karen

dlabell said...

Sarah, you always touch me with your words. I totally enjoy reading your blog. Your words are those of a free spirit and honorable soul, a real and genuine person. Always a pleasure. Great job, nicely said.

Brenda

Holly said...

Brava! Brava! Brava!!!

I'm so glad you wanted to play.

Love,
Holly

Bonnie, Original Art Studio said...

You are so authentic and such a delight!!

Alicia @ boylerpf said...

Sarah...these are fantastic. Your sharing is beyond and I thank you for being your genuine self..such a pleasure.

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Wow, your openness and willingness to speak your truth is inspirational! Thank you!

Barbara said...

Sarah, I know all this stuff and sometimes it still surprises me. (Mark for instance. Ugh.) I love that we have gotten so much closer and can support each other through these wacky changes we're going through. Great post. Hugs, xoxo B

holdingmoments said...

An interesting, open and honest post Sarah. I admire you for that.

Bella Sinclair said...

Sarah, your candor is refreshing and deeply touching. These are remarkable stories, each one weaving a piece of you and giving me a better glimpse. Thank you so much for sharing. As for your former husband, I'm sorry for the pain he put you through. Thank goodness he is out of the picture now.