The New Me......Kinda Sorta...

I know...I have been gone from my blog for almost a year...I have been well...hiding I guess. Recovering, regrouping... reinventing myself. Dealing with the aftermath of a battle with cancer..no one tells you about the after part really. Your so busy fighting to stay alive, that is where the focus is. Then suddenly your cut loose and you feel a bit lost and well...terrified. After months of constant care and folks hovering over you (in a good way), your out there suddenly alone. There is this huge part of you that is so relieved, and feeling hugely blessed that you made it through the battle alive!! Oh yes I am!! But the part they don't tell you about is the post traumatic stress part.

So, for the last year I have been hiding..way out here on this Caribbean island. 'Cause I did a geographic in hopes of regrouping, and running away from and to the familiar. At least that is what it seems to me. When I finished up chemo, I went back to work, got back to things, quit wearing pink, quit wearing that horrid wig, headed back to being me. Funny thing ..that woman was gone. That woman who wrote this blog for years with strength, joy and that Let Fly attitude. I lost her..she was gone. Left behind was a weak, beaten down, scared, terrified warrior woman who had lost all her armor and was down on her knees. My delightful Muse..stood by waiting patiently, hand on my shoulder.

For many months I just focused on right now..this day..this week..this month. Little by little my Muse gently reached out to me...
"Sarah..its time."
"Uhm..nope not ready yet. I need more time to ignore it all." Then I would sob for a bit.

After my diagnosis in January 2014 the most difficult time of my day was that moment I woke up. My mind went right to...ooo wonderful new day..what are we gonna do? To...Omg I have cancer..what am I gonna do? It was depressing and terrifying. Over the last year I have woken to my Muse saying..
"Sarah..its time to deal a little bit..just a little..come on girl!" And I would sob some more.

So folks here I am.. finally dealing. Ready for some post traumatic growth. Still sobbing, but excited too. I was thinking blogging a bit might help me along..and well...I was hoping you guys might too.

Namaste all xoxoxo

Transitions.....

I am feeling incredibly blessed to be here...it is so amazingly beautiful and different. All the things to do here..the different culture, life in general! Ok... the beach anytime of the year and the weather... heavenly:) 

That said..I am struggling a bit with the lack of seasons and my head is saying,

"It is August...see look outside! Why on earth is there holiday stuff up in the stores..like it is November or something?"

My head wants to be doing this..knitting. Frankly it is a bit too hot for that. :/ But this hat..I wanna make this one!

I want to enjoy a great hot cocoa..or coffee. Iced is the only way here..just not the same. But yummy. I am embracing all the "new".

As my friends in the cold North are dealing with snow and cold..I am trying to wrap my head around 80 degrees in November. Delightfully so..don't get me wrong..just is a bit odd is all.

I am about six months out from my last treatment..and frankly I think it is time to write about it maybe. My Muse and my heart are telling me it is time to get it out of my head. Starting to rattle around in there a bit too much.

Happy Monday all!

Namaste

The Caribbean..where is the rum.....

Actually they give you a shot a you get off the puddle jumper LOL! Rum that is. Here is a little cattle egret..it seem they are white until breeding season. We have the large ones also..but these guys are all over.

The skies here..can't get enough of them..the clouds are amazing. Happy to be playing with my camera again. I will also say..I am surprised my phone takes such great shots.

Of course I had to create some jellies...hope your Sunday is going well. Namaste all!

Big Changes....

 

So...it has been a right long time since I blogged..way too long. I have missed it...I have missed all of you. I am hoping you have not all disappeared! First off..clean bill of health. For which I am extremely thankful for. Treatment was complete in May and was completely clear in August. At which time...I joined my hubby Jim, Fox, Mhanon and Kate in St. Croix.

Yuppers..I am living here...in the Caribbean. Sometimes you have to just leap and go for it! So here I am..healthy and starting over in St. Croix..US Virgin Islands. Toes in sand and pina colada in hand (well now and again LOL). Seriously though..it is stunning here and the water...amazing.

Am loving seeing ships out my back window, pelicans, coral reefs...amazing!

Snorkeling here...well is my very favorite thing to do. As you can see it has showed up in my artwork LOL. Here is Becky Blue Bonnet with his kitteh buddy taking in the reef!

My muse...yuppers she has joined me. Trying to get back into the creative groove. Anyway, I am so happy to be back. Namaste all :)

Raffle #2 for Cancer Support

 

I had hoped to do just one..I know I said I would offer up two raffles. Seems I need to do the second one, which I struggle with :/ I am back to work..thankfully! But I am struggling to do more than a couple days here at the start. The new chemo I am on is easier on the system and I am getting stronger day by day..it is just taking more time than I had hoped. So…I decided to offer up two of my very favorite original pieces, “The Bohemian Bean” and “Dragon’s Rest”. Both created in pen and ink and colored pencil..each will come to the winner with a certificate of authenticity.

As before you will get an entry with each $5.00 donation. Please add a comment too :) If you are kind enough to share it on your page or blog, or anywhere.. you will get another entryJ If you donated last time and didn’t win..I will add your name in one time again.  For those of you that sent donation after the last raffle you will be added into this oneJ The raffle starts today and will end at 4pm Pacific time on May 18^th.

I cannot tell you all what this means to me..how your support has lifted me up and touched me. Thank you just does not say enough. Huge hugs and love!

Lessons on Trusting...

 

There have been times in my life that I have been called stubborn girl. Who me? Uhmmm yeah. This last couple of weeks I have tried to get myself back to work a couple days a week. Clearly finances are a concern…but well as usual I pushed a bit harder than I should have. My head was thinking that two days a week, on my feet for seven hours should be doable right? Maybe I could even handle three or four. Sigh.. last Friday my body and the Universe had a serious sit down conversation with me. It went something like this.

“Hi Sarah…how is the view from the floor in the back room at work? You were not ready to come to work today…your body told you so..you pushed on ahead and well..how does that ceiling look? You have scared your daughter (working with me) to death and well it’s time to go home for the day and regroup.”

“But…but…but…I can do this..I will be ok in a bit..just let me...ok…I will go home.”

Mortified and when I was ok enough to drive, I went home. I wanted to stay, but my gut was trying to readjust to the new chemo and had other ideas. I went home and I sat outside for several hours in the shade contemplating.

“Sarah…your fear is overwhelming your trust. Stop today and listen to me and your body. Slow down, you are not able to do 100% right now. Someday soon you will, but not yet. You only have so much energy to spread around as your doing chemo and your body is healing. Stubbornness and fear will hurt you here. Calm and positive will win this battle..stop and regroup.”

Several folks close to me had been telling me this…many worried that I was pushing too hard..fear about finances and well..to be honest my frustration at being at a mere 50% of my normal energy level upset me.

The fact was simple and clear I only have so much energy to go around right now and I had to accept that and work with what I had. Thankfully and without fear I had to do some heavy duty trusting and quit being so stubborn. I restarted my meditation practice, started measuring my activities more carefully and started working on being in the present. Not the past or the future..the now. Sometimes you just have to let go of all the fear before the answers are presented to you. Is it easy??  NO..cause I want control..but I am working on it. Minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. Trusting.

Namaste all, Sarah